Loudness. Vodka. More loudness. And then more Vodka.

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a 6"5 overweight sleazeball, that nobody in the family likes, downing a half a bottle of vodka almost all by himself. I'm not going anywhere with this, I just thought it would be an intriguing opening. ;)

Well, this Christmas has been....okay. The drive down was uneventful. I managed to go an average speed of 65 the whole way. Till we got to Idaho that is. I could have been going 80, but of course mom had to be....well, mom, and I was ordered to keep it at 65 due to the studded tires (not that I obeyed that order though....heh..). Last night and most of today has been somewhat depressing. Both have been filled with trying not to think about this being the first of what I'm sure will be many Christmas's spent without my brother. And then there's the periodic moan from mom about missing him, and asking every time my phone goes off "Is that Ben??". Overall though, once the annoying loud family left, the rest of the day has been rather pleasant. My constant companions being my ipod; phone; and...a book I started reading last night. I've never read so much in my life. Of course, I haven't had this much time on my hands in a long time.

I've always liked the idea of reading. Getting wrapped up in some other reality and for a few moments, forgetting about your own. I think I've read 150 pages or so in the last 24 hours. Most of that being in the last 10 hours. Needless to say, its been ridiculously boring so far. But I'm determined to not be a pain in the a** and ruin my mom's stay with a bad attitude. But, oddly enough, it hasn't been that hard to be in at least, a somewhat good mood. Not cheery, but not really unhappy either. I must be maturing. Either that, or too apathetic to be unhappy about anything. I'm not sure which. I have a feeling its a mix though.

Tomorrow the women (which apparently includes me) are going shopping in Boise for my cousins birthday on Sunday. Oi. I forgot about Sunday. Another party with the loud vodka drinker and his impossible wife and son. At least that's still two days away.

Well, time to go. It's after 10 now here in I da ho. Which means its after 9 in bend. Which means I now have free minutes on my cell phone. Merry Christmas Blog. You've been good to me this year.

on to happier things

A few nights ago I stayed the night at my friend Annas house. In the morning I got up about 45 minutes before she did and I laid awake thinking about some of the people in my life. I know a lot of good people. Sweet, kind, generous people. As I thought about them, I expressed my desire to be more like them, to God. I thought, "I'd like to be a sweet person. I don't think that would be a word anyone would use to describe me...other good things possibly, but not sweet. (now don't get me wrong, I don't mean sweet in a "Oh she's just the sweetest thing" kind of way. Just in the way that I'd like my demeanor and immediate reactions to things to be more kind and loving. I'd like to be more approachable I guess would be a good way of putting it. I didn't have to explain all this to God of course. He knew what I meant. That's one of the reasons why I like him so much. ;) After I expressed these things, the verse that says "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" so gracefully and lovingly came to mind. It was as if He was saying, "If you want to be better at these things, fill your heart with me. I'd love to help you."

Needless to say, the rest of that day was great. :) It was the second time in my life where I felt, and could clearly identify the presence of Christ' joy in my little heart....hahaha! I don't think I could have made that ANY cheesier. Mission accomplished! ;)


Oh, and in case you were wondering, the first time I ever really felt that joy, had a little something to do with these people. :)

I really shouldn't blog this late...

I'm selfish. I spend a great deal more time thinking about myself then I should. Now I know that thinking about myself, and never putting others before me, are two completely different things, but I still feel like a very selfish human being.
I don't want things to change. I don't want people to leave. I don't want my relationships to change (some of them that is). I don't want to loose the comfort and closeness I have with some. The selfish part of me doesn't really want what's best for my friends and family if it doesn't include me in it. Sometimes I think its rather cruel that people have their own lives and I'm not always going to be in them. haha. Pathetic huh? Of course, your not going to agree with me. Or at least your not going to say it if you do.

I feel like I'm wandering. Not really doing anything that will last. I don't have school, or a job. And to be honest, I really have lost all motivation to have either one. I guess it's true...I'm lazy. Not something I want to be. Somehow it just happened and I'm not sure how or why. I feel like I'm letting a few people in my life down by being this way. And I know their probably disappointed in me. I just don't know how to fix it. Almost everything I've learned in my life I had to teach myself. When I've asked for help I've been told no...one way or another. And when I get a yes, not much ever comes from it. It was like that with school, it's like that with looking for a job. If I don't do good enough I get treated like I've just failed at life and I should have known better.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to fix my lack of motivation. I'm not happy with life at the moment....I mean, most of it is great. It's just that amount that seemed so small at first, has gotten a lot bigger then I hoped it would..and I don't see it getting smaller any time soon. I know the answer to all this is to give it over to Christ...I just don't want to. I'm tired of asking for help and never seeing any good come of it. Which proves to me, that I am indeed blind.

Of course, all of this could just be because it's almost 1 in the morning.....I really can't be sure.

my big bro

I love my big brother. He's the only person who's always been there for me. He's always taken care of me, been my shoulder to cry on, given me advice, and always told me that everything will be okay. He's also one of the only people I know who doesn't talk unless he has something useful to say. I'm not one of those people. Working on it though. ha. ;) I look up to him more then anyone else. If there's one thing I'm grateful for in the midst of all the craziness in my family, its the relationship its given me with my brother.

And who knows, maybe after he gets married and all, I'll get to see him sometimes. ;)

waaaay back in the day

I miss this

the grammar in this post is disgusting

So I had to approach my dad about my car last night. I walked in the house, put my backpack in my room, walked out to the living room where he was and said, "Hey dad, do you think you could have your mechanic friend look at my car? My check engine light came on and my breaks are getting pretty bad." To which his response was to stare at me for what felt like forever, and then say, "My heart asks the question why would I do that for you?"

I couldn't believe it. I knew he was going to give me a bunch of crap and really rub it in that I was having to ask him for something, but I didn't expect that. He proceeded to lecture me for a while, and then ended with "I just want you to know I love you."

Yeah dad, sure you do.

Today as I was driving I started thinking about how long I've been asking God to change the relationships in my family. Its been a long time. Nothing has ever changed. Year after year the same old hurts, anger, and bitterness just grow deeper. My thought right after this, was that every day that goes by where God doesn't appear to do anything to answer me, I start to feel more and more suffocated. Like something is trying to get out, and the longer its forced to stay inside, the more it zaps my ability to get any air.

So having all of this on my mind today, I sat down at the piano at my teachers house (I went over to practice a duet we were going to be playing for group lesson) and started playing. When Jenny (my amazing teacher :) heard what I was playing she asked what is was, and to make a long story a little bit shorter, I ended up playing it for the rest of the students and they were to tell everyone what the song made them think of. Some of the things said really caught my attention:
Sadness. Mournful. Gray. Being deep under water. And, having to hold your breath.

Does that last one sound familiar? It was crazy. These little kids heard, and told me exactly what was going on in my heart without them even knowing it.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think my dad is ever going to change. And it's not that I don't believe God could fix the whole situation. I think its just that I've slowly given up on hoping that he will...

I suck at titles

"I wonder what my story is going to be...I seem to have a problem trusting God....I felt my heart sink. "what if?" I wondered. And over the next couple of days it was as if I could feel myself loosing heart. It happened so fast. I felt like somehow God had failed me. How ridiculous and selfish my heart is. I feel crippled by fear. Looking back, I realize I never really received much comfort from anyone when I was little. Rather, "The worlds going to hell in a hand basket" and "We're gonna end up on the street" And my personal favorite, "All the medication your mother takes is gonna kill her someday". I could never run to my dad for comfort. Ever. I don't have even one memory of my dad ever saying anything of comfort to me. I think that created a big void in me. One that I've only recently learned that I can depend on my heavenly Father to fill. But now I fear I've focused on that one aspect of who Christ is, to heavily. Now to even think about him letting me go through trials terrifies me. I don't even know....Please be by my side Father. Please let me stand behind you when I'm weak. Please restore me heart."

So all of this is from a journal entry I found from a while back. Apparently I wrote it. I mean, it's from my journal, it's my handwriting, I just have absolutely no memory of writing it. Some of these things don't even sound like me. I mean, there things I feel, but I wouldn't normally write them out for fear of sounding like a moron (and now I'm posting it on the Internet...makes perfect sense..). Have you ever done that? Written something and then found it later and can't for the life of you remember writing it? Its so odd. Anyways....now that I've posted more of my retardation for the world to see, I think I'll go to bed.

why do I always blog at night?

Well, just in case you would like to know, my friend Annie gave me some alka seltzer today, and it worked beautifully. ;)

Anyhoots. The past two days have been lovely (yes, I just said lovely). Last night was so wonderful. I forget how much I love hanging out at the Mays house. Anna and I just sat in her room most of the night, but it was so nice. :) I made her listen to this really cool Super Mario jazz theme over and over again, we talked, I read a little bit ( a very little bit), she crocheted, we laughed. It was a good time. It always kind of makes me laugh that Anna and I ended up such good friends. We're so different in almost every way, but somehow we find things to talk about and we always enjoy each others company. And she's the absolute BEST person to housesit with. Hands down. :) And no one else appreciates Wallace & Gromit as much as we do. ;) So that was last night, and it was amazing.

Today, I went over to my friends Annie And Chris's house. Annie and I played wii and she let me listen to a copy of Chris's new CD (you should all buy his CD when it comes out, its quite possibly the best thing ever:). I can't really explain, but it was just a really nice time. :) You know those moments when your perfectly content to be exactly where you are, doing exactly what your doing? That was today from the hours of 3:00 to 5:35. It's a comforting feeling knowing that no matter what, I'm always welcome there. It's not really a feeling I've ever had before. I know there are places that I'm welcome, but there's something different about Chris and Annie's. It would take me a long time to write out all the reasons I'm so grateful for meeting this family, and maybe someday that blog will appear, but for now this will be okay. <3

alka seltzer is a beautiful thing

Yes, thats right. A BEAUTIFUL thing. I can honestly say its one of my greatest friends. Usually. There is that rare occasion (I seriously could not for the life of me remember how to spell that word for the last 2 minutes. anyway..) where it doesn't exactly do its job, and fails me. But more often then not, its there for me. Wow, its late. I should go to bed and stop this nonsense. Aren't you glad you stopped by?? ;)

a great inspirational title that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I feel inspired to write something. Though, I have no idea what to write.
hmm..Today has been a good day. In spite of my bad mood. You know those days when your not necessarily in a bad mood, but your not really in a good mood either? Yep, today was that day. I woke up at 11:15. I was pissed. Then I had a less then pleasant conversation with someone over the phone. But, the strange thing was, these things didn't really upset me, they just kind of set my day off the wrong way. I felt as though my tone was just a tad off all day. I don't care for that feeling very much. Luckily though, I have good friends who put up with me. And make me dinner, play wii with me, and just let me be in my off mood without being offended. I'm so grateful for that. It's nice being aloud to have an off day every once in awhile (hopefully its only every once in awhile anyway. I always wonder if the way I perceive myself and the way others perceive me is totally different). I don't really have a good ending for this story. Nothing that will tie everything together and make you feel like you just spent the last two minutes of your life reading a good quality blog. But hey, that's okay with me.

hmm

I should follow up that last post with the conclusion to the story...but I don't have time at the moment. But its turning out well so far. ;)

time changes everything

How do you forgive someone who doesn't know they've hurt you? How do you move on from a place that has more or less been your home for years? A place that gave you irreplaceable friendships, many fond memory's, and through experience, taught you how to love others even when you don't agree with them.

The last few days have been full of questions like these. It's a hard thing to go through when you believe your doing the right thing, and are made the butt of a joke for doing so. Especially by those you trusted. I know my time at youth group hasn't been a waste. If for no other reason, because I've met some very amazing people, who are now some of my closest friends. I don't know what good I accomplished while being there. Having been mocked by the leaders for trying to do the right thing makes me wonder if I made a difference there at all. If my time and commitment meant anything. If it didn't, that's okay.

I really didn't want my time there to end this way. I didn't want to be another person who was hurt, and then left because of it. But I can't keep going and pretend that everything is okay. And I can't confront the issue without eventually being mocked for it. Maybe I'm being unfair and pathetic, but I'm aloud to be every once in a while....right?

Part of me hopes that they'll miss me. That it will matter just a little bit that I'm gone. But the rest of me knows it won't. The world keeps spinning. Life goes on.

favorite song right now

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

I think I like getting up before the sun comes up...sometimes

This morning I went with some friends to the Redmond airport to see them off and drive their car home for them. I had to be to their house at 5:30am, we got to the airport at 6:00, and I was back to their house by 6:30. It was the nicest drive back to their house with the heated seats and amazing speakers with some really nice music by this band called "The Weepies" (you should look them up. :). Early in the morning is one of my favorite times to drive. There's not a whole lot of traffic (which means the traffic lights actually work like there supposed to ;), its still dark outside, and I get to where my jacket. :) I should get up this early more often. Not to often though.... ;)

a blog I wrote a long time ago but never posted...

"I am scared
I'm afraid
Mercy me
With Your grace
My heart said in brokenness
I want to see Your face
Don't You hide
Don't You leave
Don't You turn
Away from me

‘Cause if You go I'll be forsaken
Who will be my souls salvation

Lord, hear my cry, hear my heart
Here I come to where You are
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me
Lord, though I'm weak, You are strong
So I'll go back where I belong
And You'll be there for me
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me

Answer me
In my place
You told me
To seek Your face
My heart spoke with heaviness
Your face I will seek
Don't give up
Don't forget
Remember me
I won't quit
What good am I if I'm not taken
And who am I without salvation

Lord, hear my cry, hear my heart
Here I come to where You are
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me
Lord, though I'm weak, You are strong
So I'll go back where I belong
And You'll be there for me
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me"

These are the lyrics to a song by Above The Golden State called "Scared"
It's a pretty awesome song. I don't know about you, but its such a familiar prayer for me. Not word for word of course, but the feeling of failure and worry of the consequences that you fear will inevitably follow, is something I'm familiar with. But I realize more and more that its in those times when you can really feel Gods love. Its in those times that you become truly thankful that Christ paid the ultimate price for your sin. Its mind blowing. I think of all the mistakes I make and all the times where, knowing full well that what I was doing was wrong, I did it anyway. I always think of this quote when I fall short: "When you flee temptation, don't leave a forwarding address." How often do we give into temptation and then swear that we'll never do it again only to put ourselves right back in the same situation that got us there in the first place? It's funny how when we want to do something sinful we'll forsake all knowledge of it being wrong, and not take the exits God says he provides. We somehow convince ourselves that it's not sin, or "God made me this way", or something equally ridiculous. Who knows...Human nature is a funny thing.

adventure....ish

So yesterday I went to a bible study in Powell Butte that my sister in-law had invited me to. Well, since I live about a half hour away I had to get up a bit early, and because of this, I wanted a coffee. So here was my logic: I figured that if I got up at 7:20 and left at 8:00 I could have some breakfast before I left. And seeing as Powell Butte doesn't have a dutch bros. Or any other form of coffee place for that matter, I knew that I would need to go to town for the coffee. So, I thought that if I left at 8 it would take me about 20 or 30 minutes to get to town, get the coffee, and get back to powell butte highway. Well, I left a tad early for whatever reason and by 8:07 I had gotten my coffee and was on my way back to the highway. By 8:15 I was passing the turn off to my house and I thought, "I should just go home and wait the extra 15 minutes that I have instead of just driving out there right now". Well I didn't do that. So, By 8:30 I was almost to the church, (45 minutes early) so I thought I would just go explore some of the roads I had never been on. This is what I found:


These baby cows were just chilling outside the fence..one of them coughed at me...I didn't even know cows could cough. ha. ;)


So yes, That was my Wednesday morning adventure. Exciting eh?
wow, I just wrote a really long blog about almost nothing...and put pictures of cows in it....thats so retarded.

=)

I thought this picture was kinda cool....Anna gave me the England sticker to put on my car, but I haven't done it yet...Maybe this summer? :) And then you have my nice messy bed in the background.

Aliens!!!

I found these old twenty five cent machine aliens the other night that I use to collect when I was little. haha. Those were the days. ;)

Spring cleaning!....not really...no but seriously, kinda.

I decided to finally clean up the laundry room yesterday. I think it turned out ok. :) I really want to paint it though....oh well.

My day :)

What a retched time off the morning o be getting up at. I don't mind getting up early in the summer time, but in the winter, it should be against the law or something.....


Coffee at 7:15 with my youth leader Audrey (not pictured haha).


Then off to the library! I was parked there for more then two hours....


The "Teen Zone" haha


Writing down some bible verses to hang on my wall. :D


Some cd's I got from the library :)


then finally movie night with the Mays. :)

Airport.....ness ;)

Ben left for England today! I got to take him to the airport. :D And we had breakfast with one of his roommates and Lesa before we went to the airport. It was pretty fun. :D I got one picture in before he had to check in and have his things searched. haha. Its a pretty good one I think.....aside from me that is. ;)

Driving :D

I love driving in the warm weather. :) And plus, I thought this was a cool picture. ;)

Ice cream!

This was some ice cream that a friend of mine had on super-bowl sunday that I thought was pretty cool looking. :)

Flying with Ben :D

Ben took me flying last week and it was awesome!! It was so cool seeing all the things that he's been learning the last few months. :) When we were getting ready to take off I heard my friend Ellie on the radio too. haha. She was coming into land a helicopter. It was really cool. :) After we landed we went to Subway and then I had to rush down to Prinville to watch my nephews while by oldest brother was at his doctor appointment. It would have been really cool to have been able to stay and have lunch with Ben but, duty called. ;)

blahhh

I haven't been very good about keeping this thing up to date lately. :\ my bad. I hope to change that very soon though. There are lots of pictures that I would like to blog but sadly they are on my mom's laptop and I'm not sure how to get them onto the mac. :\ I hope to find a way though! At the moment I'm in Prineville watching my two nephews while my sister in law is at a movie with her mom and friend. :) It's been a real blessing being able to come and watch the boys because I really really have been needing the money! The best part though is being able to watch them grow up. :) Peter is learning how to talk and he's so cute. Sam is one of the sweetest little boys to have ever lived and he constantly is saying, "pack pack, (that's what he calls me because he can't really say his b's very well) your my favorite." Its awesome to hear. :) Their watching Bee Movie at the moment. I hated that movie the first time I saw it, and then I watched it with them and I actually liked it. ha. Funny how that works. I apologize if this is horribly spelled, I have a cold and I'm struggling to stay awake at the moment. I just thought I would write a little bit while I had some free time. :) I'll be house sitting again for 11 days and have a feeling I'll have quite a bit of time to blog out there. :) If she doesn't lock her computer that is. ;)