Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This is why you're hot. part two. Victims: The Chabot-Belands

It's hard to put into words just how much some people mean to you. To put into words just how much love you have for them and how much they've changed your life. But I'm going to try.

Lets start with Harmony. <3


aka: The little sister I never had. <3 This little girl is one of Gods most precious creations. She has the sweetest smile and is perhaps the kindest little human you'll ever meet. She comes up to me and says things like, "Beckah, you're beautiful. Beckah, I love you so much. Beckah, I wish you could live with us. Beckah, remember when we had a sleepover by the Christmas tree? That was so fun, can we do that again?" She's the only 6 year old I can talk on the phone with for like 5 minutes (I realize that doesn't sound that impressive, but when you hate the phone as much as I do sometimes, talking to anyone for that long truly is an accomplishment). She's easily the sweetest little girl the world has ever known. But she's also wise beyond her years and very very perceptive. Have you ever heard a six year old say "We need to spend time with the Lord!" No? Than you haven't met Harmony, and that sucks for you.


aka: Judebug; Baby brother.
This little boy has a very special place in my heart. He is the sweetest little guy ever, not to mention unbelievably adorable. One of my favorite things in the world is when he comes up and gives me a hug and than goes back to playing with his cars. Or when I'm leaving and he runs up and tells me to be careful driving in the snow, hugs me and says "Love you" and then yells "Bye Beckah!!" Love it. I can't wait to see what he becomes as he grows up...although at the same time thinking about him growing up makes me want to weep openly...hmm..


aka: Little bro
This kid is amazing. He reads more than any other person I've ever met (Note to all of you freaks who read the entire freaking Twilight series in one week, this kids got you beat. He reads books that are far better, and bigger, in like an hour. So beat that). He loves Starwars almost as much as my six year old nephew, and could completely OWN at a spelling bee. ;) There are times where I've had to ask him how to spell things. ha.
He's always eager to try a science experiment and always believes the best in people, even when they might not deserve it. He's quick to say thank you and apologize when he's wrong. And he's more considerate and generous than most adults out there. He has his moments when he terrorizes his little brother and sister, but when it comes down to it, you couldn't ask for a better older brother. Or in my case, little brother. :)

Chris and Annie

aka: Adopted Mom and Pops. ;)
We'll start with Pops.
Chris is in Gods top ten creations. I'm sure of it. He is easily one of the most talented and genuinely kind people living today. Not to mention really funny.
But the biggest thing that has always stood out to me about him isn't that he's an amazing musician or even an extremely anointed worship leader, it's the love he has for Christ and for his family. I grew up constantly being yelled at and ordered around by my dad. He instilled in me that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough and was never going to live up to his standards. It wasn't until I was eleven or twelve, and my mom wanted to divorce him that he even started telling me that he loved me. So to see a father who wrote songs for his kids and was kind and gentle towards them even when they weren't being perfect angles, was mind blowing to me. It still is honestly. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he's famous?! Yeah thats right. In the newspaper AND on t.v. AND his Dad happens to be John Beland. Ever heard of him? It's okay if you haven't, I hadn't either until a few months ago... ;)

Now for Annie.
To quote a very incredible person,
"There are some people who come into your life, and you know they were such an unexpected gift that you totally didn't deserve at all, and you know you can never let them exit your life, or even your every day."

A few months ago when Annie told me that they would be moving to California I kind of threw a fit.

Like a really big one.

I got super angry and depressed and wouldn't talk about the subject with her for weeks. Every time the name of that place even came up I'd get all pissy and act like a spoiled 16 year old who just found out for the first time that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. It was during that time that I really started to think about why these people were so important to me. I tried sitting down and writing about it in my journal, but all I could write was "I hate California. I hate it so much. Screw California. Uhg."

Ahh...SO intelligent.


I felt like God was being a big fat jerk and seriously questioned his so-called "Perfect will". How could he bring such amazing people into my life and then take them away from me just like that? Didn't he have any idea what this was going to do to me? What it already was doing to me? And if he did, why didn't he care?
anyways, thats a whole different story..But the point is, this family had come to mean more to me than I ever could have imagined, and the thought of being without them was (without being too dramatic) gut wrenchingly HORRIBLE.

So, now is the part of the story where I tell you why.

Never before have I had a friend who has cared more about, and for me. Never have I had a friend who encourages me more and always reminds me how special I am. Never before have I had a friend who can read me so well. And never have I had such an insanely open invitation for breakfast, lunch and dinner, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If it wasn't for Annie I don't know where, or who I would be right now. I know without a doubt that if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have the relationship that I do with Christ. And for that, more than anything else, I owe her a great deal of love, respect, and gratitude. I've never felt so unconditionally loved by anyone else in this world. I can't even put into words how insanely blessed I am to have someone in my life who is older and much wiser than me, that I can talk to and ask questions and share my fears and doubts with who always prays for me and points me back to Christ and his love and grace. To have someone who genuinely believes that God has an incredible plan for my life and constantly encourages me to seek and trust in him. Not everyone has that. To say that I feel extremely blessed, is an understatement.

Chabot-Belands, I love you all more than words can say. Thank you for making room for me in your lives, I really can't tell you how honored I feel. <3

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The things you don't want to hear

I was asked the other day to look back over this last year and find something that I learned and share it with a group of people that, in all honesty I don't really know that well. At first I thought I might be able to make something up. Maybe try and come up with something deep and profound that would sound really good to everyone. But when I actually started to look at what I'd learned this year, it wasn't what I'd hoped I'd find. It wasn't deep and profound. It wasn't encouraging by any means. Instead, what I found was that more than anything else, I had learn a lot about myself this year.

And I can't say that I like what I saw.

As I thought about this last year and what I've filled it with, I realized something:
I'm terrified of being a disappointment.
I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect for those around me, and what the hell for?

I think for a while I had subconsciously convinced myself that if I was the best possible version of myself that I could be, than I would have left an unforgettable impression in the lives of those around me. And that if I succeeded in being that amazing person one hundred percent of the time, then maybe people wouldn't see my faults and insecurities.

Funny huh? I'm not really sure how or when I managed to convince myself of such an absurd impossibility...all I know is that it's one of the more foolish things I've done so far in my life.

But what I've learned from it is this:
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be the best you can be, because I do want to strive to be worthy of Gods call on my life. But if I'm striving to be perfect for other people, it's all in vain. What matters is the heart behind our actions. If our motives are clouded, then won't our actions be clouded as well? I don'know. All I'm sure of is that I'm already good enough in Gods eyes. He loves me just the way I am, so I don't Need to strive for him to be happy with me. I don't need to strive so that he won't forget me.

While it's because of this great love and acceptance that I continually do strive to be what God has called me to be, it's never because I feel like he's going to be disappointed in me if I make a mistake. It's never because I fear that he's going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not good enough for him to love after all. It's because I know that my salvation has already been paid for. That theres absolutely nothing I can do to be better then how He already sees me.

Because I can't beat perfect.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

This is why you're hot...

Soo...this is the first installment in a series I'm calling "This is why you're hot"
Over the next few weeks (or months), I'm going to be writing a few posts about some of the people who have impacted my life, and what I love about them.

So here goes...


I don't think I laugh more with any other person. You've shown me that it's good to be passionate about the things that interest you, whether other people are supportive of those passions or not. And that it's okay to have fun doing random and occasionally really dumb things. Even if my brother thinks its stupid. ;) I can always count on you for an adventure. Whether it's walking the butte and finding random middle schoolers getting it on in the bathrooms, or saving the world from zombies and then looking out the window to find the swat-team in your front yard, we always have a good time. You're the only person I'll let take my picture because you're the only one I trust not to post the ones I don't like on facebook. ;)

I love how we can talk about how stupid we think women are while listening to Demon Hunter and playing xbox and then turn around and talk about Twilight and how beautiful Robert Pattinson is. ;D

But I think the thing I love most is this: That we don't have to spend every minute of everyday talking about how much we love each other in order to know that we do.
That even if we end up on opposite ends of the earth someday, that I know without a doubt that you won't forget about me. That someday 20 or 30 years from now, when I introduce you to someone I can say, "We've been friends since highschool."
That might sound really weird, but I'm excited for that day because you were the one who showed me that people actually can stay good friends for more then just a year or two.

But...there's one more thing that I love..maybe even more then those things above.
I love that because we have a relationship that mostly consists of 'giggle fits' and sarcasm, when we take the time to have real conversations about life and find out how we're each doing, the things that come out of those times mean a lot more to me then most, and I usually end up learning things about myself that I didn't know before.

Even though we're both growing and changing into the people we're going to be, I know that we'll come out on the other side still the same goods friends that we are today. Still laughing about stupid inappropriate things that only 14 year old boys laugh at, and still not being what most people would consider your normal girl. ;)

I'm glad we're friends dude. I really really am.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for sticking with me the last few months. I know we haven't gotten to see each other and hangout as much as usual, so thank you for not acting like a stupid hoe and being all emotional and thinking that I've replaced you.

So yeah, this is why you're hot. ;)

I love you to death. <3

Monday, October 25, 2010


I think there are certain things in every person’s life that instantly make them feel hopeless when thought about or seen. For me, one of those things is snow. Every time I look out the window and see it gathering in its clean white blanket of death, I feel utterly hopeless.
I’ve never been very fond of the snow to begin with, but driving in it really freaks me out, especially now that the tires on my car are completely bald.
It wasn’t safe for me to be driving on them at this time last year, and now it’s (in the least dramatic way possible,) a death trap. Towards the end of summer I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to get new tires at all, but my amazing mother made my dad buy some for me. Now all I have to do is find a way to get thru this next week without driving my car until my mom makes my dad put the tires on my car…We’ll see if I survive.

It is interesting to me though, that my mom had to make my dad buy me new tires. And that she will have to make him put them on for me. I know that my dad loves me…in some way…but I’ve never understood his way of showing it.
To him, it should have been obvious that he loved us because he went to work every day. “I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!” is what he always used to yell at us. I never remember hearing that and thinking that my dad loved me. He always made it sound like, “If it wasn’t for you my life would be so much better.”

Looking back, I’ve never known without a doubt that my dad loves me, or would do anything for me. I can’t say that my dad would do everything within his power to make sure that I was safe, or that he would even lift a finger to help me for that matter. If it made him look good in front of other people, he might consider it…but bottom line, I’m not worth it to him, I never have been, and honestly, I might never be. And that’s okay with me....I think.

What bothers me the most is this: People thinking that because they’ve done something kind for the people around them that that proves their undying love for them and no continued action or affection is necessary.
To me love is a commitment that requires more of you than is comfortable to give at times. It requires dropping more of your pride then you would like. It requires some form of continued action other than going to work every day. I don’t know, I could totally be wrong…It just seems like my dad would be going to work every day even if I didn’t exist…so for him to say that’s his way of showing love toward me just doesn’t seem….I don’t know…real enough…

Monday, September 27, 2010

Just so we're all clear...

Becoming an intern will most definitely show you things about yourself that you do not want to see. It will show you the pride, arrogance, and malice that are lurking in your own heart. In a way, it will show you who you really are...Or at least who you would be without Christ. I think we all have this idea that other people perceive us the same way we perceive ourselves. I think most of us would say that we are pretty nice or at least somewhat decent people. That we’re patient, loving, kind, generous, ect. ect. I think we would like to say that we are those things…at least to some extent. But what would those who are closest to you say? Because you see, I could give you a long list of things I’d like to be, but an even longer list of things that I would love not to be, but am. And I think if someone were to ask the people who see me the most to look at these two lists and check all the things that apply, more of the things on that longer list would be circled then would be on the shorter one. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not feeling badly about myself in this post, I’m just trying to be honest in my evaluation of myself. We all have things we need to work on, and for me those things seem to be everything. And to be honest, I’m excited to be working on them. While it’s nowhere near close to being an enjoyable experience, I’m looking forward to the day when something unbelievably frustrating happens, and I don’t get really pissed. ha.

Sorry...I couldn't help myself. I searched "inspiring pictures" and this is what came up....hahaha

Sunday, September 12, 2010


Stupid freaking California.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I've become quiet...

I'm not sure when this happened.

I realized the other night though, that I don't talk very much anymore. It used to be that whenever something interesting happened to me I couldn't wait to tell my friends and family. But now there are a lot of things that go unsaid simply because I've lost the desire to share them. It's not that I don't talk to anyone ( I think I still do a great deal of talking if I'm around someone long enough.), I just feel like I don't have anything interesting to say anymore. Not that I really ever did come to think of it...I just don't really have much to say to anyone anymore it feels like. Even people I don't get to talk to very often. I see them or talk to them on the phone and I find myself not knowing what to say. It's as if I've convinced myself that no one cares about the little things I have to say. Either that or I just don't care to tell them. And it's not because I don't want them to know whats going on in my life, its simply because I feel like I don't have the energy to tell them. I realized this the other night when my mom was talking to me. She would pause and wait for me to say something, but I never had anything to offer the conversation. I feel like my brain just shuts itself off. It's as if it gets tired of thinking and formulating sentences so it just stops whenever it feels like it and I'm left with a completely blank and useless brain. It might as well not even be up there if that's how it's going to act.
But seriously, how sad is that? I can't even have a normal conversation with my own mother because I can't think of a single thing to say. I'm over it. I'm ready to be able to form somewhat intelligent thoughts. It's either that or act like a 4 year old and start repeating other people when I don't know what to say to them.....I can't wait to see which one I choose.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I don't even know where to begin...

So I might as well start from the beginning.

5 and a half years ago, my brother and I went to a church called Oasis for the first time. On the way there I remember both of us saying that for the first time in our lives we were actually excited to be going to church. I remember listening to the pastor thinking "where did this guy come from? I've never heard this stuff before." For the first time in my life, I felt something inside of me stir, and the two and a half years that followed, I felt my spirit come to life. I realized what it meant to follow Christ. That he wasn't just some guy that died on a cross for his friends 2,000 years ago; He's God, He's my Father, He loves me more then anyone else ever has and ever will, and He is to be Honored. I could go on and on telling you all the things I learned sitting in that church for the two, very short, and precious years that I did, but that would make for a ridiculously long blog.

Fast forward to Sunday March 4th 2007. That Sunday was different. For the fist time in two and a half years I didn't feel challenged or convicted. I sat there wondering if it was something I was doing wrong. Was I not listening? Was I off in another world somewhere? But when church was drawing to an end, the pastor praying and the worship team quietly playing in the background, I saw something I'd never seen before. I saw my pastor fall to his knees, and felt something in me become tense. I realized later that that tension was like a buzzer sounding off to warn me that something terribly wrong was about to happen.
Two day's later I was told what is possibly the hardest news I've ever heard. I was told that my pastor had confessed to his wife that he had been unfaithful to her.

I hardly spoke for two days. I went right to my room and put on one of the sermons he had taught, and I prayed it wasn't true. I begged God to tell me it wasn't true. For the first time in my life I can say I was truly heartbroken. I felt like something inside of me had been ripped out. Ripped out with so much force, that I didn't know how I would be able to go on.
The next night I went to my youth group in the hopes of being able to cry with and lean on the rest of my church family, who would no doubt be just as heartbroken as me. But I couldn't find one person who looked even the slightest bit shaken. I was so confused. Didn't they care? Hadn't they heard? Were the leaders going to tell us that night? What was going to happen? I sat in small group very quietly. Just waiting for some sign that I wasn't the only broken person sitting there. It wasn't until we did prayer requests that I found someone who shared in my pain. When my small group leader was asked what her prayer request was, she answered: "I'm heartbroken. My whole world has been turned upside down this week." My feelings exactly. When I got home that night, I went to the salsa kitchen to be alone. I fell against the door and slid to the floor and wept. All I could do was ask God why. I must have asked a hundred times. When I was finally able to wipe the tears from my eyes and look up, I was given the answer to my question. I looked up to find the name of the company that made the 100 gallon bowl that we used for making salsa welded to the side of the bowl that I was facing. The name of the company is Groen.

Growing. That was the answer I was given. The pain and heartache was so I could grow. It was so God could bring me closer to himself. And with that, I was okay...more or less. It wasn't that the hole that had been ripped through me was any smaller; it wasn't that my heart was any less broken. It was that I knew God was still there. It was that I knew he hadn't abandoned me.

When I walked into church that Sunday I looked for my pastor...but I never found him. I wanted so badly to find him and tell him how sorry I was. To tell him that I had forgiven him the very instant I'd heard what happened. To give him a hug and tell him how much I loved him. But he was nowhere to be found. I was never given the chance to say those things to him. Due to the way him and his family were pushed out of town and not aloud to come speak with all of us, I didn't get to say goodbye. That hurt. And for three years I've hated going to church. I've sat and listened, and never been told anything new. Never been challenged. For three years I've felt homeless. And more then anything else, I've missed my church and my pastor so desperately.

Fast forward 3 years to May 7th 2010.
I finally got to see my pastor and his family again. I got to hug them and tell them how much I've missed them. How much I love them. I got to tell my old pastor that I forgave him, that I had never been angry with him for even a second. I can't express how awesome and yet heart wrenching it was to look across the room and see him and his Amazing wife standing there. It was awesome because I was seeing and talking with them for the first time in such a long time, and heart wrenching because all I wanted to do was find some way to go back in time. All I wanted was to find some way to bring them back, to have him be my pastor again, to have Oasis back. And knowing that I can't....is almost to much to bare.

To be honest, I didn't know how much it was going to hurt to see them again. I didn't realize that it was going to force me to realize how much I've missed them. Not that I'd forgotten, but I'd developed a nice shell of numbness. I'd gotten pretty good at pushing the pain of missing them, as far away from me as I could. I'd gotten pretty good at ignoring the heartache that is still very much alive and well. And now it's as if the scab has been ripped off.

But even though it hurt to have that scab ripped away, I got to see my pastor again. And words cannot express how much joy that gives me. I can't even believe how blessed I am to have been able to spend some time last night and some of today with him and his family. I was shocked to find out that they actually remembered me. ME of all people. I can't explain what a blessing this weekend has been. They even gave me and LeeAnne their address and phone numbers and sincerely invited us to come visit them at anytime. I wish I could explain how truly amazing they are. I wish I could explain how much I love them. But I don't think I could do it justice.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I'm getting better at this whole listening thing....I think

My sister in-law told me something today that really made me kind of upset. Not because she said anything wrong, but because what she said was exactly right, and I didn't want to hear it. I didn't throw a fit or anything immature, ;) but when our conversation ended, I knew she had told me something about myself that was true, and that I'm going to have to change. And that wasn't exactly.....fun.

We were talking about the relationship I have with my dad, and I told her that it's not my responsibility to show my dad what it looks like to be respectful. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's not my responsibility to respect my dad. I'm saying that it was his job to treat his family and those around him with respect, so that in return, we (his children) would know what it looked like to respect others, and in doing so, he would not only earn our respect, but show us what it looked like to respect him. Does that make sense? When you're a six year old little girl being screamed and cussed at by your father about how you don't respect him enough, call me crazy, but that doesn't naturally evoke in me, a desire to respect him. Nor does it show me how to. All that does is show me how undeserving that person is of anyone's respect. Maybe that's harsh...And maybe it's not true, but either way, that's how I've always felt.
Anyways, back to our conversation. I told her how I felt about the matter of respecting him, and about my "six years old being screamed at by my father experience", and you know what she told me?

She told me, "That might fly when your six, but you're almost 18 now, and God has shown you what it looks like to respect others. Now it's your job to do so, weather or not your dad ever taught you. It's your job to be who God has called you to be, and that means showing your dad respect, whether or not he does the same for you in return."

F. She's right. I hate that.

But in all honesty, I'm so glad she had the guts to tell me that. After thinking about all of this today I came to the realization of just how blessed I am to have a few people in my life that aren't afraid to give me constructive criticism. Turns out it can be a good thing. Who knew, right?! ;)

Don't get me wrong though--There's definitely a BIG difference between constructive criticism, and just trying to get your own selfish point across during those moments where you think you know everything. And I'm definitely guilty of the second one.

I read something today that I thought was really cool. It was said in a very different context then how I read it, but I think it's true non the less.

"Life, and the perception we have of it, changes quickly."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Yep. Good day.

I actually got my room clean today. I'm not gonna lie, I think it's been a few months since it was last clean.....how embarrassing. And here is the finished product:

Yes. Those are chuck Norris posters. Don't hate me cuz I'm awesome. ;)

The desk area (that never gets used).

Where all The Office watching goes down. ;)

And the amazing nightstand.

Well, there you have it. My room. Very blue. With a lot of converse.
Now I'm off to go wash all the dust that's giving me a headache down the drain.


I plan on cleaning my room. Or at the very least being able to see my floor.

We'll see.....

Friday, January 1, 2010

growing up

Life. It can be tiresome. Painful; wonderful; and terrifying all at the same time. I've been thinking the last few days, I'm getting close to my 18th birthday, and I feel like instead of actually growing in maturity this last year, that I've digressed. I don't feel like I'm ready to be an "adult". If that's what you would call an 18 year old. I feel more like a kid then I have in a long time. Not in a fun exciting way either. In a "I feel lost and don't think I'm ready for anymore responsibility" kind of way. I feel very immature for not wanting to find a job; for not wanting to study to retake my math test; just all around not wanting to do anything I don't really want to do. But at the same time, I really do want to do these things. I want a good job; I want to know how to do at the very least, some basic math; and I really want to study for a job in the medical field. I'm just ridiculously lazy. And scared of failure. But more then any of that, more then any of my fears, I want to be taken seriously. I want to feel like I'm moving forward. I really really want to feel, and BE responsible.

I saw some friends of mine last night who I haven't seen in a year or so because they've been away at college. I found myself feeling very small and unaccomplished as they were asked what they were doing with themselves and they actually had an answer. And then there was me: "Um...well I just graduated a little while ago (not mentioning that I FAILED the math on the GED and will have to take it again soon), and now I'm looking for a job...oh, no I'm not going up to the college just yet..."
I couldn't help but feel somewhat pathetic standing next to this girl who's 20 and almost done with 4 years of college in Portland.

Now, this is the part where I reassure you that I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not depressed by these things, and I know that I'm only 17 and this is all a normal part of life. :) I just wanted to write some of this down and kind of get my thoughts together. And Annie requested a new blog post. ;) Happy New Year guys!