So I had to approach my dad about my car last night. I walked in the house, put my backpack in my room, walked out to the living room where he was and said, "Hey dad, do you think you could have your mechanic friend look at my car? My check engine light came on and my breaks are getting pretty bad." To which his response was to stare at me for what felt like forever, and then say, "My heart asks the question why would I do that for you?"
I couldn't believe it. I knew he was going to give me a bunch of crap and really rub it in that I was having to ask him for something, but I didn't expect that. He proceeded to lecture me for a while, and then ended with "I just want you to know I love you."
Yeah dad, sure you do.
Today as I was driving I started thinking about how long I've been asking God to change the relationships in my family. Its been a long time. Nothing has ever changed. Year after year the same old hurts, anger, and bitterness just grow deeper. My thought right after this, was that every day that goes by where God doesn't appear to do anything to answer me, I start to feel more and more suffocated. Like something is trying to get out, and the longer its forced to stay inside, the more it zaps my ability to get any air.
So having all of this on my mind today, I sat down at the piano at my teachers house (I went over to practice a duet we were going to be playing for group lesson) and started playing. When Jenny (my amazing teacher :) heard what I was playing she asked what is was, and to make a long story a little bit shorter, I ended up playing it for the rest of the students and they were to tell everyone what the song made them think of. Some of the things said really caught my attention:
Sadness. Mournful. Gray. Being deep under water. And, having to hold your breath.
Does that last one sound familiar? It was crazy. These little kids heard, and told me exactly what was going on in my heart without them even knowing it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think my dad is ever going to change. And it's not that I don't believe God could fix the whole situation. I think its just that I've slowly given up on hoping that he will...