Saturday, December 12, 2009

I really shouldn't blog this late...

I'm selfish. I spend a great deal more time thinking about myself then I should. Now I know that thinking about myself, and never putting others before me, are two completely different things, but I still feel like a very selfish human being.
I don't want things to change. I don't want people to leave. I don't want my relationships to change (some of them that is). I don't want to loose the comfort and closeness I have with some. The selfish part of me doesn't really want what's best for my friends and family if it doesn't include me in it. Sometimes I think its rather cruel that people have their own lives and I'm not always going to be in them. haha. Pathetic huh? Of course, your not going to agree with me. Or at least your not going to say it if you do.

I feel like I'm wandering. Not really doing anything that will last. I don't have school, or a job. And to be honest, I really have lost all motivation to have either one. I guess it's true...I'm lazy. Not something I want to be. Somehow it just happened and I'm not sure how or why. I feel like I'm letting a few people in my life down by being this way. And I know their probably disappointed in me. I just don't know how to fix it. Almost everything I've learned in my life I had to teach myself. When I've asked for help I've been told no...one way or another. And when I get a yes, not much ever comes from it. It was like that with school, it's like that with looking for a job. If I don't do good enough I get treated like I've just failed at life and I should have known better.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to fix my lack of motivation. I'm not happy with life at the moment....I mean, most of it is great. It's just that amount that seemed so small at first, has gotten a lot bigger then I hoped it would..and I don't see it getting smaller any time soon. I know the answer to all this is to give it over to Christ...I just don't want to. I'm tired of asking for help and never seeing any good come of it. Which proves to me, that I am indeed blind.

Of course, all of this could just be because it's almost 1 in the morning.....I really can't be sure.

3 comments:

Anna Kristine said...

I'm the same way...I get selfish about my friends and I wish their life story could be the same as mine and that they could change with me and follow me everywhere. I'm just now, at nearly 24, learing that it's a beautiful thing to have people weave in and out of our lives. Everything has a season and we can learn so much by being near, and sometimes far from people. God always has something new to show us in new situations. But it is definately never easy to see them go, because there's always that fear that when they come back things will be different, and when there gone life wont have as much meaning.

And about wandering...I think honestly Beckah...what your feeling is a part of growing up. One day we reach a point in our growth that we suddenly see we have to make the decisions that define our lives. I'm still getting this one...but honestly, your feeling of failure and frustration is proof that you are more aware of it than you were before, which shows growth in you. So don't let it weigh you down, but rather get excited about what God has planned for your life. Because even though you know this and hear it a hundred million times, God really DOES have a plan for YOUR life. Which gets me so excited. God has a plan for Beckah. :) It's going to be amazing. Something somebody (a parent) said to me the other day was that this time in our lives may feel slow and pointless and like we aren't going anywhere...but this is a time when God is molding us into the person that we need to be for that plan He has.
I don't know if all this makes sense...but I just wanted you to know...it isn' hopeless. Your NOT a failure. Beckah...your a blessing in so many more lives than you know. God already is using you. And slowly...over time He'll start waking you up to more ways He can use you...but just because you weren't doing those things before doesn't mean your a failure. God has different timing in everything.
Sorry this was the world's longest comment ever. Love you xxx

becks said...

Oh Anna May. I love you. :) Thanks for putting up with my late night (and mid day ;) gibberish all the time. AND for the worlds longest comment. I love it. <3

chris and annie said...

Becks,
I just think this is so crazy that I am just now reading this, and it was written on Saturday, and Sunday, I was weeping and broken over the same exact things in ME. I saw so clearly how selfish I am and how important my own comfort is, when others just fall to the wayside. It is disappointing and unsettling when God shows us ugly things within us, and is so lovely about it, like, "Hey, your really grieving Me with your attitude towards your husband lately, you are putting yourself first, and that's not My way, but hey, it's okay, because you see it now, and you repent, and let's move on, together, Me changing you, you yielding, simple as that." MAN!!! Our God is soooooo amazing!!! He is so full of grace and love and healing!!
Thank you for your transparency once again, my friend, it is the thing I adore most about you.

Never, never never give up, that has been running through my head lately.
Love you so much,
annie