Monday, November 30, 2009

my big bro

I love my big brother. He's the only person who's always been there for me. He's always taken care of me, been my shoulder to cry on, given me advice, and always told me that everything will be okay. He's also one of the only people I know who doesn't talk unless he has something useful to say. I'm not one of those people. Working on it though. ha. ;) I look up to him more then anyone else. If there's one thing I'm grateful for in the midst of all the craziness in my family, its the relationship its given me with my brother.

And who knows, maybe after he gets married and all, I'll get to see him sometimes. ;)

Monday, November 23, 2009

the grammar in this post is disgusting

So I had to approach my dad about my car last night. I walked in the house, put my backpack in my room, walked out to the living room where he was and said, "Hey dad, do you think you could have your mechanic friend look at my car? My check engine light came on and my breaks are getting pretty bad." To which his response was to stare at me for what felt like forever, and then say, "My heart asks the question why would I do that for you?"

I couldn't believe it. I knew he was going to give me a bunch of crap and really rub it in that I was having to ask him for something, but I didn't expect that. He proceeded to lecture me for a while, and then ended with "I just want you to know I love you."

Yeah dad, sure you do.

Today as I was driving I started thinking about how long I've been asking God to change the relationships in my family. Its been a long time. Nothing has ever changed. Year after year the same old hurts, anger, and bitterness just grow deeper. My thought right after this, was that every day that goes by where God doesn't appear to do anything to answer me, I start to feel more and more suffocated. Like something is trying to get out, and the longer its forced to stay inside, the more it zaps my ability to get any air.

So having all of this on my mind today, I sat down at the piano at my teachers house (I went over to practice a duet we were going to be playing for group lesson) and started playing. When Jenny (my amazing teacher :) heard what I was playing she asked what is was, and to make a long story a little bit shorter, I ended up playing it for the rest of the students and they were to tell everyone what the song made them think of. Some of the things said really caught my attention:
Sadness. Mournful. Gray. Being deep under water. And, having to hold your breath.

Does that last one sound familiar? It was crazy. These little kids heard, and told me exactly what was going on in my heart without them even knowing it.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think my dad is ever going to change. And it's not that I don't believe God could fix the whole situation. I think its just that I've slowly given up on hoping that he will...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I suck at titles

"I wonder what my story is going to be...I seem to have a problem trusting God....I felt my heart sink. "what if?" I wondered. And over the next couple of days it was as if I could feel myself loosing heart. It happened so fast. I felt like somehow God had failed me. How ridiculous and selfish my heart is. I feel crippled by fear. Looking back, I realize I never really received much comfort from anyone when I was little. Rather, "The worlds going to hell in a hand basket" and "We're gonna end up on the street" And my personal favorite, "All the medication your mother takes is gonna kill her someday". I could never run to my dad for comfort. Ever. I don't have even one memory of my dad ever saying anything of comfort to me. I think that created a big void in me. One that I've only recently learned that I can depend on my heavenly Father to fill. But now I fear I've focused on that one aspect of who Christ is, to heavily. Now to even think about him letting me go through trials terrifies me. I don't even know....Please be by my side Father. Please let me stand behind you when I'm weak. Please restore me heart."

So all of this is from a journal entry I found from a while back. Apparently I wrote it. I mean, it's from my journal, it's my handwriting, I just have absolutely no memory of writing it. Some of these things don't even sound like me. I mean, there things I feel, but I wouldn't normally write them out for fear of sounding like a moron (and now I'm posting it on the Internet...makes perfect sense..). Have you ever done that? Written something and then found it later and can't for the life of you remember writing it? Its so odd. that I've posted more of my retardation for the world to see, I think I'll go to bed.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

why do I always blog at night?

Well, just in case you would like to know, my friend Annie gave me some alka seltzer today, and it worked beautifully. ;)

Anyhoots. The past two days have been lovely (yes, I just said lovely). Last night was so wonderful. I forget how much I love hanging out at the Mays house. Anna and I just sat in her room most of the night, but it was so nice. :) I made her listen to this really cool Super Mario jazz theme over and over again, we talked, I read a little bit ( a very little bit), she crocheted, we laughed. It was a good time. It always kind of makes me laugh that Anna and I ended up such good friends. We're so different in almost every way, but somehow we find things to talk about and we always enjoy each others company. And she's the absolute BEST person to housesit with. Hands down. :) And no one else appreciates Wallace & Gromit as much as we do. ;) So that was last night, and it was amazing.

Today, I went over to my friends Annie And Chris's house. Annie and I played wii and she let me listen to a copy of Chris's new CD (you should all buy his CD when it comes out, its quite possibly the best thing ever:). I can't really explain, but it was just a really nice time. :) You know those moments when your perfectly content to be exactly where you are, doing exactly what your doing? That was today from the hours of 3:00 to 5:35. It's a comforting feeling knowing that no matter what, I'm always welcome there. It's not really a feeling I've ever had before. I know there are places that I'm welcome, but there's something different about Chris and Annie's. It would take me a long time to write out all the reasons I'm so grateful for meeting this family, and maybe someday that blog will appear, but for now this will be okay. <3

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

alka seltzer is a beautiful thing

Yes, thats right. A BEAUTIFUL thing. I can honestly say its one of my greatest friends. Usually. There is that rare occasion (I seriously could not for the life of me remember how to spell that word for the last 2 minutes. anyway..) where it doesn't exactly do its job, and fails me. But more often then not, its there for me. Wow, its late. I should go to bed and stop this nonsense. Aren't you glad you stopped by?? ;)

Monday, November 9, 2009

a great inspirational title that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I feel inspired to write something. Though, I have no idea what to write.
hmm..Today has been a good day. In spite of my bad mood. You know those days when your not necessarily in a bad mood, but your not really in a good mood either? Yep, today was that day. I woke up at 11:15. I was pissed. Then I had a less then pleasant conversation with someone over the phone. But, the strange thing was, these things didn't really upset me, they just kind of set my day off the wrong way. I felt as though my tone was just a tad off all day. I don't care for that feeling very much. Luckily though, I have good friends who put up with me. And make me dinner, play wii with me, and just let me be in my off mood without being offended. I'm so grateful for that. It's nice being aloud to have an off day every once in awhile (hopefully its only every once in awhile anyway. I always wonder if the way I perceive myself and the way others perceive me is totally different). I don't really have a good ending for this story. Nothing that will tie everything together and make you feel like you just spent the last two minutes of your life reading a good quality blog. But hey, that's okay with me.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


I should follow up that last post with the conclusion to the story...but I don't have time at the moment. But its turning out well so far. ;)