Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I suck at titles

"I wonder what my story is going to be...I seem to have a problem trusting God....I felt my heart sink. "what if?" I wondered. And over the next couple of days it was as if I could feel myself loosing heart. It happened so fast. I felt like somehow God had failed me. How ridiculous and selfish my heart is. I feel crippled by fear. Looking back, I realize I never really received much comfort from anyone when I was little. Rather, "The worlds going to hell in a hand basket" and "We're gonna end up on the street" And my personal favorite, "All the medication your mother takes is gonna kill her someday". I could never run to my dad for comfort. Ever. I don't have even one memory of my dad ever saying anything of comfort to me. I think that created a big void in me. One that I've only recently learned that I can depend on my heavenly Father to fill. But now I fear I've focused on that one aspect of who Christ is, to heavily. Now to even think about him letting me go through trials terrifies me. I don't even know....Please be by my side Father. Please let me stand behind you when I'm weak. Please restore me heart."

So all of this is from a journal entry I found from a while back. Apparently I wrote it. I mean, it's from my journal, it's my handwriting, I just have absolutely no memory of writing it. Some of these things don't even sound like me. I mean, there things I feel, but I wouldn't normally write them out for fear of sounding like a moron (and now I'm posting it on the Internet...makes perfect sense..). Have you ever done that? Written something and then found it later and can't for the life of you remember writing it? Its so odd. Anyways....now that I've posted more of my retardation for the world to see, I think I'll go to bed.


chris and annie said...

It's a perfect prayer from a broken heart that God hears, right? Small friend, I appreciate your transparency SO much, you don't even know. I love that you knew He would fill the void your earthly father has left in your heart. He will, and does fill it!
I am thankful for the testimony of your faith and admittance to your weaknesses (when we are weak, He is strong, right?)
Please don't feel "retarded", you are lovely, and God is perfecting you daily in His grace and shaping you into His image. I am so happy I get to watch the process!
I love you & I am always and will always, God-willing, be here for you :)

becks said...

I love that I'm your small friend. It makes me happy. Thank you so much for everything you always do for me big friend. :) It means a lot to me. You always give me the best and most encouraging words. I can't tell you how grateful I am for your friendship. <3

chris and annie said...

Hey, guess what?? I had to have alka-seltzer last night because I had too much dairy and Thai food yesterday. It brought me great relief, like when I am really bored and you come over to keep me company. Thanks for the turkey bacon, and english muffin, and hang out time the other day when I was sick...you are so good to me!!
See you tonight small friend!