Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This is why you're hot. part two. Victims: The Chabot-Belands

It's hard to put into words just how much some people mean to you. To put into words just how much love you have for them and how much they've changed your life. But I'm going to try.

Lets start with Harmony. <3


aka: The little sister I never had. <3 This little girl is one of Gods most precious creations. She has the sweetest smile and is perhaps the kindest little human you'll ever meet. She comes up to me and says things like, "Beckah, you're beautiful. Beckah, I love you so much. Beckah, I wish you could live with us. Beckah, remember when we had a sleepover by the Christmas tree? That was so fun, can we do that again?" She's the only 6 year old I can talk on the phone with for like 5 minutes (I realize that doesn't sound that impressive, but when you hate the phone as much as I do sometimes, talking to anyone for that long truly is an accomplishment). She's easily the sweetest little girl the world has ever known. But she's also wise beyond her years and very very perceptive. Have you ever heard a six year old say "We need to spend time with the Lord!" No? Than you haven't met Harmony, and that sucks for you.


aka: Judebug; Baby brother.
This little boy has a very special place in my heart. He is the sweetest little guy ever, not to mention unbelievably adorable. One of my favorite things in the world is when he comes up and gives me a hug and than goes back to playing with his cars. Or when I'm leaving and he runs up and tells me to be careful driving in the snow, hugs me and says "Love you" and then yells "Bye Beckah!!" Love it. I can't wait to see what he becomes as he grows up...although at the same time thinking about him growing up makes me want to weep openly...hmm..


aka: Little bro
This kid is amazing. He reads more than any other person I've ever met (Note to all of you freaks who read the entire freaking Twilight series in one week, this kids got you beat. He reads books that are far better, and bigger, in like an hour. So beat that). He loves Starwars almost as much as my six year old nephew, and could completely OWN at a spelling bee. ;) There are times where I've had to ask him how to spell things. ha.
He's always eager to try a science experiment and always believes the best in people, even when they might not deserve it. He's quick to say thank you and apologize when he's wrong. And he's more considerate and generous than most adults out there. He has his moments when he terrorizes his little brother and sister, but when it comes down to it, you couldn't ask for a better older brother. Or in my case, little brother. :)

Chris and Annie

aka: Adopted Mom and Pops. ;)
We'll start with Pops.
Chris is in Gods top ten creations. I'm sure of it. He is easily one of the most talented and genuinely kind people living today. Not to mention really funny.
But the biggest thing that has always stood out to me about him isn't that he's an amazing musician or even an extremely anointed worship leader, it's the love he has for Christ and for his family. I grew up constantly being yelled at and ordered around by my dad. He instilled in me that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough and was never going to live up to his standards. It wasn't until I was eleven or twelve, and my mom wanted to divorce him that he even started telling me that he loved me. So to see a father who wrote songs for his kids and was kind and gentle towards them even when they weren't being perfect angles, was mind blowing to me. It still is honestly. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he's famous?! Yeah thats right. In the newspaper AND on t.v. AND his Dad happens to be John Beland. Ever heard of him? It's okay if you haven't, I hadn't either until a few months ago... ;)

Now for Annie.
To quote a very incredible person,
"There are some people who come into your life, and you know they were such an unexpected gift that you totally didn't deserve at all, and you know you can never let them exit your life, or even your every day."

A few months ago when Annie told me that they would be moving to California I kind of threw a fit.

Like a really big one.

I got super angry and depressed and wouldn't talk about the subject with her for weeks. Every time the name of that place even came up I'd get all pissy and act like a spoiled 16 year old who just found out for the first time that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. It was during that time that I really started to think about why these people were so important to me. I tried sitting down and writing about it in my journal, but all I could write was "I hate California. I hate it so much. Screw California. Uhg."

Ahh...SO intelligent.


I felt like God was being a big fat jerk and seriously questioned his so-called "Perfect will". How could he bring such amazing people into my life and then take them away from me just like that? Didn't he have any idea what this was going to do to me? What it already was doing to me? And if he did, why didn't he care?
anyways, thats a whole different story..But the point is, this family had come to mean more to me than I ever could have imagined, and the thought of being without them was (without being too dramatic) gut wrenchingly HORRIBLE.

So, now is the part of the story where I tell you why.

Never before have I had a friend who has cared more about, and for me. Never have I had a friend who encourages me more and always reminds me how special I am. Never before have I had a friend who can read me so well. And never have I had such an insanely open invitation for breakfast, lunch and dinner, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If it wasn't for Annie I don't know where, or who I would be right now. I know without a doubt that if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have the relationship that I do with Christ. And for that, more than anything else, I owe her a great deal of love, respect, and gratitude. I've never felt so unconditionally loved by anyone else in this world. I can't even put into words how insanely blessed I am to have someone in my life who is older and much wiser than me, that I can talk to and ask questions and share my fears and doubts with who always prays for me and points me back to Christ and his love and grace. To have someone who genuinely believes that God has an incredible plan for my life and constantly encourages me to seek and trust in him. Not everyone has that. To say that I feel extremely blessed, is an understatement.

Chabot-Belands, I love you all more than words can say. Thank you for making room for me in your lives, I really can't tell you how honored I feel. <3

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The things you don't want to hear

I was asked the other day to look back over this last year and find something that I learned and share it with a group of people that, in all honesty I don't really know that well. At first I thought I might be able to make something up. Maybe try and come up with something deep and profound that would sound really good to everyone. But when I actually started to look at what I'd learned this year, it wasn't what I'd hoped I'd find. It wasn't deep and profound. It wasn't encouraging by any means. Instead, what I found was that more than anything else, I had learn a lot about myself this year.

And I can't say that I like what I saw.

As I thought about this last year and what I've filled it with, I realized something:
I'm terrified of being a disappointment.
I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect for those around me, and what the hell for?

I think for a while I had subconsciously convinced myself that if I was the best possible version of myself that I could be, than I would have left an unforgettable impression in the lives of those around me. And that if I succeeded in being that amazing person one hundred percent of the time, then maybe people wouldn't see my faults and insecurities.

Funny huh? I'm not really sure how or when I managed to convince myself of such an absurd impossibility...all I know is that it's one of the more foolish things I've done so far in my life.

But what I've learned from it is this:
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be the best you can be, because I do want to strive to be worthy of Gods call on my life. But if I'm striving to be perfect for other people, it's all in vain. What matters is the heart behind our actions. If our motives are clouded, then won't our actions be clouded as well? I don'know. All I'm sure of is that I'm already good enough in Gods eyes. He loves me just the way I am, so I don't Need to strive for him to be happy with me. I don't need to strive so that he won't forget me.

While it's because of this great love and acceptance that I continually do strive to be what God has called me to be, it's never because I feel like he's going to be disappointed in me if I make a mistake. It's never because I fear that he's going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not good enough for him to love after all. It's because I know that my salvation has already been paid for. That theres absolutely nothing I can do to be better then how He already sees me.

Because I can't beat perfect.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

This is why you're hot...

Soo...this is the first installment in a series I'm calling "This is why you're hot"
Over the next few weeks (or months), I'm going to be writing a few posts about some of the people who have impacted my life, and what I love about them.

So here goes...


I don't think I laugh more with any other person. You've shown me that it's good to be passionate about the things that interest you, whether other people are supportive of those passions or not. And that it's okay to have fun doing random and occasionally really dumb things. Even if my brother thinks its stupid. ;) I can always count on you for an adventure. Whether it's walking the butte and finding random middle schoolers getting it on in the bathrooms, or saving the world from zombies and then looking out the window to find the swat-team in your front yard, we always have a good time. You're the only person I'll let take my picture because you're the only one I trust not to post the ones I don't like on facebook. ;)

I love how we can talk about how stupid we think women are while listening to Demon Hunter and playing xbox and then turn around and talk about Twilight and how beautiful Robert Pattinson is. ;D

But I think the thing I love most is this: That we don't have to spend every minute of everyday talking about how much we love each other in order to know that we do.
That even if we end up on opposite ends of the earth someday, that I know without a doubt that you won't forget about me. That someday 20 or 30 years from now, when I introduce you to someone I can say, "We've been friends since highschool."
That might sound really weird, but I'm excited for that day because you were the one who showed me that people actually can stay good friends for more then just a year or two.

But...there's one more thing that I love..maybe even more then those things above.
I love that because we have a relationship that mostly consists of 'giggle fits' and sarcasm, when we take the time to have real conversations about life and find out how we're each doing, the things that come out of those times mean a lot more to me then most, and I usually end up learning things about myself that I didn't know before.

Even though we're both growing and changing into the people we're going to be, I know that we'll come out on the other side still the same goods friends that we are today. Still laughing about stupid inappropriate things that only 14 year old boys laugh at, and still not being what most people would consider your normal girl. ;)

I'm glad we're friends dude. I really really am.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for sticking with me the last few months. I know we haven't gotten to see each other and hangout as much as usual, so thank you for not acting like a stupid hoe and being all emotional and thinking that I've replaced you.

So yeah, this is why you're hot. ;)

I love you to death. <3