I get angry with my mom a lot. I have for a long time now. It doesn't take much...the same question asked too many times, not having enough money for things, losing the dog every three weeks, the list goes on. That sounds bad....like I'm trying to cast her in an unfair light that makes her look irresponsible or incapable. That's not my intention. I have no intention or desire to cast her in any light other than the bright, loving, beautiful one she deserves to be seen in.
It's myself that I intend to cast such a dim light over.
Because I'm the one at fault. I'm the selfish immature child who throws a fit when something I don't like is said or done.
I get angry with her over simple, stupid things that she doesn't deserve to have me get angry with her about. I don't talk to her about things because I don't want to hear what she'll have to say about them. I don't invite her places with me because I never know what kind of state she'll be in because of her pain and the medication she has to take for it. I get angry and say things like, "Why do you have a phone if you never answer it!?" when she's lost her phone, or simply didn't hear it ring. I get annoyed when she asks for help with her computer, phone, facebook, ect. I'm impatient with her, even when I know she's trying so hard to understand the things I'm feeling, or trying to tell her. And she doesn't deserve that.
The problem is, I don't know how to change those things.
Because it's not my mom that I'm so angry with...
It's her fibromyalgia.
Her rheumatoid arthritis.
The medicine she has to take that replaces the real her, with the only half there, foggy version of herself that's left.
It's the medicine that eats away at her heart, kidneys, and every other vital organ needed for survival.
It's the 16 pills a day that she has to take in order to not be in crippling, unbearable pain 24 hours a day.
It's the medicine that takes her from one misery, to a completely different, more frightening one. Sometimes I think that if they could talk they would say something like, "Here, I'll trade you...pain for a heart attack. Or liver or kidney failure. Cancer. You're going to be miserable either way, so why not delay it for as long as possible?"
I know she's never going to be okay. I know it's only a matter of time until things get worse. I'm reminded of it every time she asks me the same question four times in one conversation, or can't come see me because she can't get out of bed. Or when my dad forgets to pick up her pills and her body starts going into withdrawal. But mostly I'm reminded of it when she spends time doing the things she loves most, like playing with my nephews and nieces, or scrapbooking the weekend away, and then her fibromyalgia flares up and she can't do anything but pray for sleep until it passes a day or two later.
I hate her disease. I hate the medicine. I hate them both for what they're doing to her. For what they've always done to her. I hate them for slowly killing her. I hate them for taking so much of her away from me before I was even old enough to get to know her for who she really was. Who she used to be. And I hate them for taking her away from me still. For slowly, day by day, sucking the life out of her. Leaving behind a small frail version of herself that tries to hard to be strong. To be what her kids needed her to be. To be what her grandkids need her to be. To be the employee her bosses need her to be.
That's why I get so angry. So impatient. So shut down. Because it's easier to shut her out and distance myself from her than it is to admit how scared I am of losing her. To come to grips with the fact that she might not get to be at my wedding someday. Or even get to meet the poor guy and embarrass me with whatever it is that Mom's always seem to embarrass their daughters with upon meeting their boyfriends.
My mom was 42 when I was born. She calls me her gift from God because she found out she was pregnant with me a few months after my Grandma died of lung cancer. It's been 20 years since my Grandma died. My mom's 61 now, and still talks about how much she misses her mom and then begins to cry. And then she tells me the same story about how my Grandma accepted Christ before she died, and then she smiles and changes the subject.
I don't want my mom to be sick. I never have. When I was little I used to think that if I prayed hard enough she would get better. That if I was good enough than I would never lose her. That maybe, just maybe God would spare me that pain.
But now I'm not so sure. Of course now I know that my mom's sickness isn't dependent on my good behavior. But I also know that she's not getting any better. That she's not going to. she knows it. she knows how upset it makes me when she talks about it too, so she doesn't do that very often. But she did it tonight when she took me out for coffee. She said her plan is to try to make it to 67 so she can retire, and then hopefully, if she's really lucky, live to be 70.
When my mom is 70, I'll only be 28.
A few months ago I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis that I loved so much I wrote it on a piece of paper I ripped out of a surfing magazine and taped it to the wall next to my bed.
Now I wish I had never seen it. Much less put it on my wall where it hangs, staring a hole into the side of my head. Because it's true. He's absolutely right. I should just accept it and move on. After all, can I lessen the pain I'm bound to feel by telling myself that it's not true? That I'll be the exception to the rule? That I'll be the one who goes unscathed and without the pain death brings to all who live this life? No...I don't think I can. I think to convince myself of such a thing would only make it that much more painful when my delusion of safety were to come crashing down.
"I had yet to learn that all human relationships end in pain-it is the price that out imperfection has allowed Satan to exact from us for the privilege to love."
-C.S. Lewis
Monday, January 16, 2012
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Dear diary;)
I always wanted to go to New York. I remember seeing it in all the movies and listening to people talk about it and how busy it is there, and thinking it sounded like such a great place. It was always one of those places that I hoped I would get to see someday, but figured that I probably never would. I just always figured that I would never have the money to go, or anyone to go with.
Last year one of my best friends got an acceptance letter from New York University. The first thing she said to me was, "You have to come see New York and help me move all my crap there!"
And just like that, I decided I was going to New York. I got a second job and started saving for a plane ticket, and before I knew it, the end of August was here and it was time to move my friend across the country...
As with all defining life moments, it turned out that getting to New York hadn't been the hard part after all, it was coming home. It was getting on the plane alone and looking out the window and watching the city disappear.
And with it, my best friend.
I can't explain why it hurt so much. Perhaps that's just the way it feels when someone you care about moves far away. Knowing that you can't call them up and hangout with them anymore, or receive texts saying "What are you doing RIGHT NOW?" or "That's okay! Wal-Mart's open til 11! I need you to take me there:)" And the worst part, knowing that in those moments when you miss them the most, there's almost 3,000 miles in-between your home, and theirs.
I don't remember when I realized it. Maybe it was when I found out that my two best friends were leaving Bend all within the same 2 months. One moving to the other side of the country, and one leaving it all together. Maybe I realized it when I actually started pursuing my relationship with God again. Or maybe I knew it all along, but was never able to grasp it until recently. This thing I realized: There's a time for everything. I know that's not a deeply moving or profound thought. And yes, I know that that's one of the main points of Ecclesiastes and if you've grown up in church you've heard it a thousand times. But hearing something over and over and over again, and then finally realizing it's true, are two different things.
It's funny how at different times in our lives we'll either hate change and beg God to let things stay the way they are, or hate where we are and beg God to change something. Anything. Just as long as when you wake up tomorrow, it's not to the same exact thing you woke up to yesterday.
This thing I realized about everything having a season, was that my time to grow up was coming...and it was coming fast. My adventure isn't going to be the same as my friends though. I don't know exactly what it's going to be, but I think that God has something a little bit different in-store for me.
It's easy to get discouraged and feel like you're not worth very much when almost everywhere you go people are asking you what you're doing with your life and you don't have an answer for them. I was at work the other day and got lectured by a customer for 20 minutes about how I need to get back in school and be like his daughter who is making a crap-ton of money and getting ten thousand dollar raises every year. He went on to tell me that his daughter is happy because she loves her job, and the reason she loves her job is because she went to school for it. That's fair. I can totally understand that. I can even be happy for his daughter. That's awesome. But then he said this, "Unless you get your ass back in school and get a good career, you won't be happy. People who work at meaningless jobs like this, are never happy." Those weren't his exact words, but he got his point across loud and clear. For 20 minutes. No joke.
Have you ever been to New Zealand? I haven't, but one of my best friends is leaving in October to go there until the beginning of next year, at which point who knows how long she'll be back here before she either goes back to New Zealand, or goes somewhere else. She's wanted to go there as long as I've known her, and a long time before that too. I've always seen it as one of those passions God puts in someone from a super early age. Now that I really think about it, I'm not sure if there's ever been a time when we've hung out and haven't talked about New Zealand in one way or another...We've been friends for 6 years...We've talked about it a lot,
so earlier this year when she told me she was going there, I was really happy for her.
This year has seen me go through a lot of mood swings. I never thought I was the moody type, but I'm beginning to think I might be...but then again, I feel like I've been sitting around waiting for my life to start, and now I realize that that has a way of making a person a little emotionally unstable. ;)
You know how some years seem to go by really fast, while others just drag on by? Or those years that seem to do both? Yeah, this year falls into that last category for me. On the one hand, I didn't want September to come, because that meant going to New York and saying goodbye to one of my best friends.
But on the other hand, I had this strange certainty that life was going to start when I got home. While I wasn't exactly thrilled to do so, I could hear that still small voice telling me to take heart, because God was about to do something new...
It's funny how God works sometimes. How He'll lead us to places in our lives where we feel like there's no way we can make it. Where we're so consumed by our needs for tomorrow, that we can't see today. My personal favorite is when He leads you to the places you've been asking for, but as soon as he does, it's like the world starts the agonizingly slow process of caving in around you. The funny thing about caving in, is that the ground always seems to collapse everywhere except for where you're standing first, so that you can be terrified as you watch it coming for you.
There was this one night a few weeks ago in New York, I was sitting in my friends dorm room thinking about the night before we left. I had come home from work that night to find my dad waiting for me outside. That's never a good sign. He picked a fight with me as soon as I got out of the car. The conversation ended with me saying that maybe if he was really lucky, I would die in a plane crash on my way home and he would never have to deal with me again. To which he responded, "Ha, yeah if I'm lucky." I hadn't been expecting that. Though now that I think about it, I don't know why.
I had known he was going to be yelling at me when I got home that night. My mom had called to let me know pretty early on. When I was getting ready to leave work my boss said this to me, "Don't worry to much, he can't break you anymore than he already has."
I wish that was true. But even when you've stopped loving someone, they still find ways to break your heart into smaller pieces than the last time. Even when you think you've given up all hope that things could ever be different, they seem to find a way of shattering the hope you didn't know you had.
I never realized until this trip why I love playing the piano so much. Why when I go a long time without playing it, I feel like a piece of me is drying up, and I long to play it, in the hope that I can preserve that piece of me and stop it from leaving. See, it's not just that I like the piano. It's not just that it sounds incredibly beautiful with played the right way. It's that when I sit down at the piano, I can express exactly what I'm feeling without saying a word. I never realized until this trip just how much playing the piano is a form of prayer for me. A way of pouring my heart out to God when I can't find the words to say how broken and messed up I feel, and just how much I need him.
That night in New York when I was thinking about my dad, and coming home, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything was going to be okay. That God has a plan for my life and will be with me every step of the way, no matter what. It's been two weeks now, and I still can't shake it. The thing that convinces me that it's God, and that its not all in my head, is that even on bad days, days when I feel like everything is impossible, I know that it's not. I know that God has a plan, and that plan doesn't include abandoning me and leaving me to figure life out on my own.
One of my favorite things about God: He's bigger than my problems. He has a way of making everything work together for good, even when everything seems impossible.
The thing I love about his promises: They're not dependent upon my emotions. They're faithful whether I am or not, and they're there even when I can't understand why.
I feel like I've learned more in the last month than I have all year. It's funny how that happens sometimes.
I don't know what exactly God's going to be doing in my life, and I don't know how he's going to do it, but I know he's going to.
And for now, that's all I need.
Last year one of my best friends got an acceptance letter from New York University. The first thing she said to me was, "You have to come see New York and help me move all my crap there!"
And just like that, I decided I was going to New York. I got a second job and started saving for a plane ticket, and before I knew it, the end of August was here and it was time to move my friend across the country...
As with all defining life moments, it turned out that getting to New York hadn't been the hard part after all, it was coming home. It was getting on the plane alone and looking out the window and watching the city disappear.
And with it, my best friend.
I can't explain why it hurt so much. Perhaps that's just the way it feels when someone you care about moves far away. Knowing that you can't call them up and hangout with them anymore, or receive texts saying "What are you doing RIGHT NOW?" or "That's okay! Wal-Mart's open til 11! I need you to take me there:)" And the worst part, knowing that in those moments when you miss them the most, there's almost 3,000 miles in-between your home, and theirs.
I don't remember when I realized it. Maybe it was when I found out that my two best friends were leaving Bend all within the same 2 months. One moving to the other side of the country, and one leaving it all together. Maybe I realized it when I actually started pursuing my relationship with God again. Or maybe I knew it all along, but was never able to grasp it until recently. This thing I realized: There's a time for everything. I know that's not a deeply moving or profound thought. And yes, I know that that's one of the main points of Ecclesiastes and if you've grown up in church you've heard it a thousand times. But hearing something over and over and over again, and then finally realizing it's true, are two different things.
It's funny how at different times in our lives we'll either hate change and beg God to let things stay the way they are, or hate where we are and beg God to change something. Anything. Just as long as when you wake up tomorrow, it's not to the same exact thing you woke up to yesterday.
This thing I realized about everything having a season, was that my time to grow up was coming...and it was coming fast. My adventure isn't going to be the same as my friends though. I don't know exactly what it's going to be, but I think that God has something a little bit different in-store for me.
It's easy to get discouraged and feel like you're not worth very much when almost everywhere you go people are asking you what you're doing with your life and you don't have an answer for them. I was at work the other day and got lectured by a customer for 20 minutes about how I need to get back in school and be like his daughter who is making a crap-ton of money and getting ten thousand dollar raises every year. He went on to tell me that his daughter is happy because she loves her job, and the reason she loves her job is because she went to school for it. That's fair. I can totally understand that. I can even be happy for his daughter. That's awesome. But then he said this, "Unless you get your ass back in school and get a good career, you won't be happy. People who work at meaningless jobs like this, are never happy." Those weren't his exact words, but he got his point across loud and clear. For 20 minutes. No joke.
Have you ever been to New Zealand? I haven't, but one of my best friends is leaving in October to go there until the beginning of next year, at which point who knows how long she'll be back here before she either goes back to New Zealand, or goes somewhere else. She's wanted to go there as long as I've known her, and a long time before that too. I've always seen it as one of those passions God puts in someone from a super early age. Now that I really think about it, I'm not sure if there's ever been a time when we've hung out and haven't talked about New Zealand in one way or another...We've been friends for 6 years...We've talked about it a lot,
so earlier this year when she told me she was going there, I was really happy for her.
This year has seen me go through a lot of mood swings. I never thought I was the moody type, but I'm beginning to think I might be...but then again, I feel like I've been sitting around waiting for my life to start, and now I realize that that has a way of making a person a little emotionally unstable. ;)
You know how some years seem to go by really fast, while others just drag on by? Or those years that seem to do both? Yeah, this year falls into that last category for me. On the one hand, I didn't want September to come, because that meant going to New York and saying goodbye to one of my best friends.
But on the other hand, I had this strange certainty that life was going to start when I got home. While I wasn't exactly thrilled to do so, I could hear that still small voice telling me to take heart, because God was about to do something new...
It's funny how God works sometimes. How He'll lead us to places in our lives where we feel like there's no way we can make it. Where we're so consumed by our needs for tomorrow, that we can't see today. My personal favorite is when He leads you to the places you've been asking for, but as soon as he does, it's like the world starts the agonizingly slow process of caving in around you. The funny thing about caving in, is that the ground always seems to collapse everywhere except for where you're standing first, so that you can be terrified as you watch it coming for you.
There was this one night a few weeks ago in New York, I was sitting in my friends dorm room thinking about the night before we left. I had come home from work that night to find my dad waiting for me outside. That's never a good sign. He picked a fight with me as soon as I got out of the car. The conversation ended with me saying that maybe if he was really lucky, I would die in a plane crash on my way home and he would never have to deal with me again. To which he responded, "Ha, yeah if I'm lucky." I hadn't been expecting that. Though now that I think about it, I don't know why.
I had known he was going to be yelling at me when I got home that night. My mom had called to let me know pretty early on. When I was getting ready to leave work my boss said this to me, "Don't worry to much, he can't break you anymore than he already has."
I wish that was true. But even when you've stopped loving someone, they still find ways to break your heart into smaller pieces than the last time. Even when you think you've given up all hope that things could ever be different, they seem to find a way of shattering the hope you didn't know you had.
I never realized until this trip why I love playing the piano so much. Why when I go a long time without playing it, I feel like a piece of me is drying up, and I long to play it, in the hope that I can preserve that piece of me and stop it from leaving. See, it's not just that I like the piano. It's not just that it sounds incredibly beautiful with played the right way. It's that when I sit down at the piano, I can express exactly what I'm feeling without saying a word. I never realized until this trip just how much playing the piano is a form of prayer for me. A way of pouring my heart out to God when I can't find the words to say how broken and messed up I feel, and just how much I need him.
That night in New York when I was thinking about my dad, and coming home, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything was going to be okay. That God has a plan for my life and will be with me every step of the way, no matter what. It's been two weeks now, and I still can't shake it. The thing that convinces me that it's God, and that its not all in my head, is that even on bad days, days when I feel like everything is impossible, I know that it's not. I know that God has a plan, and that plan doesn't include abandoning me and leaving me to figure life out on my own.
One of my favorite things about God: He's bigger than my problems. He has a way of making everything work together for good, even when everything seems impossible.
The thing I love about his promises: They're not dependent upon my emotions. They're faithful whether I am or not, and they're there even when I can't understand why.
I feel like I've learned more in the last month than I have all year. It's funny how that happens sometimes.
I don't know what exactly God's going to be doing in my life, and I don't know how he's going to do it, but I know he's going to.
And for now, that's all I need.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
This is why you're hot. part two. Victims: The Chabot-Belands
It's hard to put into words just how much some people mean to you. To put into words just how much love you have for them and how much they've changed your life. But I'm going to try.
Lets start with Harmony. <3
Harmony
aka: The little sister I never had. <3 This little girl is one of Gods most precious creations. She has the sweetest smile and is perhaps the kindest little human you'll ever meet. She comes up to me and says things like, "Beckah, you're beautiful. Beckah, I love you so much. Beckah, I wish you could live with us. Beckah, remember when we had a sleepover by the Christmas tree? That was so fun, can we do that again?" She's the only 6 year old I can talk on the phone with for like 5 minutes (I realize that doesn't sound that impressive, but when you hate the phone as much as I do sometimes, talking to anyone for that long truly is an accomplishment). She's easily the sweetest little girl the world has ever known. But she's also wise beyond her years and very very perceptive. Have you ever heard a six year old say "We need to spend time with the Lord!" No? Than you haven't met Harmony, and that sucks for you.
Jude
aka: Judebug; Baby brother.
This little boy has a very special place in my heart. He is the sweetest little guy ever, not to mention unbelievably adorable. One of my favorite things in the world is when he comes up and gives me a hug and than goes back to playing with his cars. Or when I'm leaving and he runs up and tells me to be careful driving in the snow, hugs me and says "Love you" and then yells "Bye Beckah!!" Love it. I can't wait to see what he becomes as he grows up...although at the same time thinking about him growing up makes me want to weep openly...hmm..
Eli
aka: Little bro
This kid is amazing. He reads more than any other person I've ever met (Note to all of you freaks who read the entire freaking Twilight series in one week, this kids got you beat. He reads books that are far better, and bigger, in like an hour. So beat that). He loves Starwars almost as much as my six year old nephew, and could completely OWN at a spelling bee. ;) There are times where I've had to ask him how to spell things. ha.
He's always eager to try a science experiment and always believes the best in people, even when they might not deserve it. He's quick to say thank you and apologize when he's wrong. And he's more considerate and generous than most adults out there. He has his moments when he terrorizes his little brother and sister, but when it comes down to it, you couldn't ask for a better older brother. Or in my case, little brother. :)
Chris and Annie
aka: Adopted Mom and Pops. ;)
We'll start with Pops.
Chris is in Gods top ten creations. I'm sure of it. He is easily one of the most talented and genuinely kind people living today. Not to mention really funny.
But the biggest thing that has always stood out to me about him isn't that he's an amazing musician or even an extremely anointed worship leader, it's the love he has for Christ and for his family. I grew up constantly being yelled at and ordered around by my dad. He instilled in me that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough and was never going to live up to his standards. It wasn't until I was eleven or twelve, and my mom wanted to divorce him that he even started telling me that he loved me. So to see a father who wrote songs for his kids and was kind and gentle towards them even when they weren't being perfect angles, was mind blowing to me. It still is honestly. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he's famous?! Yeah thats right. In the newspaper AND on t.v. AND his Dad happens to be John Beland. Ever heard of him? It's okay if you haven't, I hadn't either until a few months ago... ;)
Now for Annie.
To quote a very incredible person,
"There are some people who come into your life, and you know they were such an unexpected gift that you totally didn't deserve at all, and you know you can never let them exit your life, or even your every day."
A few months ago when Annie told me that they would be moving to California I kind of threw a fit.
Like a really big one.
I got super angry and depressed and wouldn't talk about the subject with her for weeks. Every time the name of that place even came up I'd get all pissy and act like a spoiled 16 year old who just found out for the first time that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. It was during that time that I really started to think about why these people were so important to me. I tried sitting down and writing about it in my journal, but all I could write was "I hate California. I hate it so much. Screw California. Uhg."
Ahh...SO intelligent.
Anyways.
I felt like God was being a big fat jerk and seriously questioned his so-called "Perfect will". How could he bring such amazing people into my life and then take them away from me just like that? Didn't he have any idea what this was going to do to me? What it already was doing to me? And if he did, why didn't he care?
anyways, thats a whole different story..But the point is, this family had come to mean more to me than I ever could have imagined, and the thought of being without them was (without being too dramatic) gut wrenchingly HORRIBLE.
So, now is the part of the story where I tell you why.
Never before have I had a friend who has cared more about, and for me. Never have I had a friend who encourages me more and always reminds me how special I am. Never before have I had a friend who can read me so well. And never have I had such an insanely open invitation for breakfast, lunch and dinner, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If it wasn't for Annie I don't know where, or who I would be right now. I know without a doubt that if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have the relationship that I do with Christ. And for that, more than anything else, I owe her a great deal of love, respect, and gratitude. I've never felt so unconditionally loved by anyone else in this world. I can't even put into words how insanely blessed I am to have someone in my life who is older and much wiser than me, that I can talk to and ask questions and share my fears and doubts with who always prays for me and points me back to Christ and his love and grace. To have someone who genuinely believes that God has an incredible plan for my life and constantly encourages me to seek and trust in him. Not everyone has that. To say that I feel extremely blessed, is an understatement.
Chabot-Belands, I love you all more than words can say. Thank you for making room for me in your lives, I really can't tell you how honored I feel. <3
Lets start with Harmony. <3
Harmony
aka: The little sister I never had. <3 This little girl is one of Gods most precious creations. She has the sweetest smile and is perhaps the kindest little human you'll ever meet. She comes up to me and says things like, "Beckah, you're beautiful. Beckah, I love you so much. Beckah, I wish you could live with us. Beckah, remember when we had a sleepover by the Christmas tree? That was so fun, can we do that again?" She's the only 6 year old I can talk on the phone with for like 5 minutes (I realize that doesn't sound that impressive, but when you hate the phone as much as I do sometimes, talking to anyone for that long truly is an accomplishment). She's easily the sweetest little girl the world has ever known. But she's also wise beyond her years and very very perceptive. Have you ever heard a six year old say "We need to spend time with the Lord!" No? Than you haven't met Harmony, and that sucks for you.
Jude
aka: Judebug; Baby brother.
This little boy has a very special place in my heart. He is the sweetest little guy ever, not to mention unbelievably adorable. One of my favorite things in the world is when he comes up and gives me a hug and than goes back to playing with his cars. Or when I'm leaving and he runs up and tells me to be careful driving in the snow, hugs me and says "Love you" and then yells "Bye Beckah!!" Love it. I can't wait to see what he becomes as he grows up...although at the same time thinking about him growing up makes me want to weep openly...hmm..
Eli
aka: Little bro
This kid is amazing. He reads more than any other person I've ever met (Note to all of you freaks who read the entire freaking Twilight series in one week, this kids got you beat. He reads books that are far better, and bigger, in like an hour. So beat that). He loves Starwars almost as much as my six year old nephew, and could completely OWN at a spelling bee. ;) There are times where I've had to ask him how to spell things. ha.
He's always eager to try a science experiment and always believes the best in people, even when they might not deserve it. He's quick to say thank you and apologize when he's wrong. And he's more considerate and generous than most adults out there. He has his moments when he terrorizes his little brother and sister, but when it comes down to it, you couldn't ask for a better older brother. Or in my case, little brother. :)
Chris and Annie
aka: Adopted Mom and Pops. ;)
We'll start with Pops.
Chris is in Gods top ten creations. I'm sure of it. He is easily one of the most talented and genuinely kind people living today. Not to mention really funny.
But the biggest thing that has always stood out to me about him isn't that he's an amazing musician or even an extremely anointed worship leader, it's the love he has for Christ and for his family. I grew up constantly being yelled at and ordered around by my dad. He instilled in me that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough and was never going to live up to his standards. It wasn't until I was eleven or twelve, and my mom wanted to divorce him that he even started telling me that he loved me. So to see a father who wrote songs for his kids and was kind and gentle towards them even when they weren't being perfect angles, was mind blowing to me. It still is honestly. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he's famous?! Yeah thats right. In the newspaper AND on t.v. AND his Dad happens to be John Beland. Ever heard of him? It's okay if you haven't, I hadn't either until a few months ago... ;)
Now for Annie.
To quote a very incredible person,
"There are some people who come into your life, and you know they were such an unexpected gift that you totally didn't deserve at all, and you know you can never let them exit your life, or even your every day."
A few months ago when Annie told me that they would be moving to California I kind of threw a fit.
Like a really big one.
I got super angry and depressed and wouldn't talk about the subject with her for weeks. Every time the name of that place even came up I'd get all pissy and act like a spoiled 16 year old who just found out for the first time that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. It was during that time that I really started to think about why these people were so important to me. I tried sitting down and writing about it in my journal, but all I could write was "I hate California. I hate it so much. Screw California. Uhg."
Ahh...SO intelligent.
Anyways.
I felt like God was being a big fat jerk and seriously questioned his so-called "Perfect will". How could he bring such amazing people into my life and then take them away from me just like that? Didn't he have any idea what this was going to do to me? What it already was doing to me? And if he did, why didn't he care?
anyways, thats a whole different story..But the point is, this family had come to mean more to me than I ever could have imagined, and the thought of being without them was (without being too dramatic) gut wrenchingly HORRIBLE.
So, now is the part of the story where I tell you why.
Never before have I had a friend who has cared more about, and for me. Never have I had a friend who encourages me more and always reminds me how special I am. Never before have I had a friend who can read me so well. And never have I had such an insanely open invitation for breakfast, lunch and dinner, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If it wasn't for Annie I don't know where, or who I would be right now. I know without a doubt that if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have the relationship that I do with Christ. And for that, more than anything else, I owe her a great deal of love, respect, and gratitude. I've never felt so unconditionally loved by anyone else in this world. I can't even put into words how insanely blessed I am to have someone in my life who is older and much wiser than me, that I can talk to and ask questions and share my fears and doubts with who always prays for me and points me back to Christ and his love and grace. To have someone who genuinely believes that God has an incredible plan for my life and constantly encourages me to seek and trust in him. Not everyone has that. To say that I feel extremely blessed, is an understatement.
Chabot-Belands, I love you all more than words can say. Thank you for making room for me in your lives, I really can't tell you how honored I feel. <3
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The things you don't want to hear
I was asked the other day to look back over this last year and find something that I learned and share it with a group of people that, in all honesty I don't really know that well. At first I thought I might be able to make something up. Maybe try and come up with something deep and profound that would sound really good to everyone. But when I actually started to look at what I'd learned this year, it wasn't what I'd hoped I'd find. It wasn't deep and profound. It wasn't encouraging by any means. Instead, what I found was that more than anything else, I had learn a lot about myself this year.
And I can't say that I like what I saw.
As I thought about this last year and what I've filled it with, I realized something:
I'm terrified of being a disappointment.
I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect for those around me, and what the hell for?
I think for a while I had subconsciously convinced myself that if I was the best possible version of myself that I could be, than I would have left an unforgettable impression in the lives of those around me. And that if I succeeded in being that amazing person one hundred percent of the time, then maybe people wouldn't see my faults and insecurities.
Funny huh? I'm not really sure how or when I managed to convince myself of such an absurd impossibility...all I know is that it's one of the more foolish things I've done so far in my life.
But what I've learned from it is this:
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be the best you can be, because I do want to strive to be worthy of Gods call on my life. But if I'm striving to be perfect for other people, it's all in vain. What matters is the heart behind our actions. If our motives are clouded, then won't our actions be clouded as well? I don'know. All I'm sure of is that I'm already good enough in Gods eyes. He loves me just the way I am, so I don't Need to strive for him to be happy with me. I don't need to strive so that he won't forget me.
While it's because of this great love and acceptance that I continually do strive to be what God has called me to be, it's never because I feel like he's going to be disappointed in me if I make a mistake. It's never because I fear that he's going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not good enough for him to love after all. It's because I know that my salvation has already been paid for. That theres absolutely nothing I can do to be better then how He already sees me.
Because I can't beat perfect.
And I can't say that I like what I saw.
As I thought about this last year and what I've filled it with, I realized something:
I'm terrified of being a disappointment.
I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect for those around me, and what the hell for?
I think for a while I had subconsciously convinced myself that if I was the best possible version of myself that I could be, than I would have left an unforgettable impression in the lives of those around me. And that if I succeeded in being that amazing person one hundred percent of the time, then maybe people wouldn't see my faults and insecurities.
Funny huh? I'm not really sure how or when I managed to convince myself of such an absurd impossibility...all I know is that it's one of the more foolish things I've done so far in my life.
But what I've learned from it is this:
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be the best you can be, because I do want to strive to be worthy of Gods call on my life. But if I'm striving to be perfect for other people, it's all in vain. What matters is the heart behind our actions. If our motives are clouded, then won't our actions be clouded as well? I don'know. All I'm sure of is that I'm already good enough in Gods eyes. He loves me just the way I am, so I don't Need to strive for him to be happy with me. I don't need to strive so that he won't forget me.
While it's because of this great love and acceptance that I continually do strive to be what God has called me to be, it's never because I feel like he's going to be disappointed in me if I make a mistake. It's never because I fear that he's going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not good enough for him to love after all. It's because I know that my salvation has already been paid for. That theres absolutely nothing I can do to be better then how He already sees me.
Because I can't beat perfect.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
This is why you're hot...
Soo...this is the first installment in a series I'm calling "This is why you're hot"
Over the next few weeks (or months), I'm going to be writing a few posts about some of the people who have impacted my life, and what I love about them.
So here goes...
LeeAnne
I don't think I laugh more with any other person. You've shown me that it's good to be passionate about the things that interest you, whether other people are supportive of those passions or not. And that it's okay to have fun doing random and occasionally really dumb things. Even if my brother thinks its stupid. ;) I can always count on you for an adventure. Whether it's walking the butte and finding random middle schoolers getting it on in the bathrooms, or saving the world from zombies and then looking out the window to find the swat-team in your front yard, we always have a good time. You're the only person I'll let take my picture because you're the only one I trust not to post the ones I don't like on facebook. ;)
I love how we can talk about how stupid we think women are while listening to Demon Hunter and playing xbox and then turn around and talk about Twilight and how beautiful Robert Pattinson is. ;D
But I think the thing I love most is this: That we don't have to spend every minute of everyday talking about how much we love each other in order to know that we do.
That even if we end up on opposite ends of the earth someday, that I know without a doubt that you won't forget about me. That someday 20 or 30 years from now, when I introduce you to someone I can say, "We've been friends since highschool."
That might sound really weird, but I'm excited for that day because you were the one who showed me that people actually can stay good friends for more then just a year or two.
But...there's one more thing that I love..maybe even more then those things above.
I love that because we have a relationship that mostly consists of 'giggle fits' and sarcasm, when we take the time to have real conversations about life and find out how we're each doing, the things that come out of those times mean a lot more to me then most, and I usually end up learning things about myself that I didn't know before.
Even though we're both growing and changing into the people we're going to be, I know that we'll come out on the other side still the same goods friends that we are today. Still laughing about stupid inappropriate things that only 14 year old boys laugh at, and still not being what most people would consider your normal girl. ;)
I'm glad we're friends dude. I really really am.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for sticking with me the last few months. I know we haven't gotten to see each other and hangout as much as usual, so thank you for not acting like a stupid hoe and being all emotional and thinking that I've replaced you.
So yeah, this is why you're hot. ;)
I love you to death. <3
Over the next few weeks (or months), I'm going to be writing a few posts about some of the people who have impacted my life, and what I love about them.
So here goes...
LeeAnne
I don't think I laugh more with any other person. You've shown me that it's good to be passionate about the things that interest you, whether other people are supportive of those passions or not. And that it's okay to have fun doing random and occasionally really dumb things. Even if my brother thinks its stupid. ;) I can always count on you for an adventure. Whether it's walking the butte and finding random middle schoolers getting it on in the bathrooms, or saving the world from zombies and then looking out the window to find the swat-team in your front yard, we always have a good time. You're the only person I'll let take my picture because you're the only one I trust not to post the ones I don't like on facebook. ;)
I love how we can talk about how stupid we think women are while listening to Demon Hunter and playing xbox and then turn around and talk about Twilight and how beautiful Robert Pattinson is. ;D
But I think the thing I love most is this: That we don't have to spend every minute of everyday talking about how much we love each other in order to know that we do.
That even if we end up on opposite ends of the earth someday, that I know without a doubt that you won't forget about me. That someday 20 or 30 years from now, when I introduce you to someone I can say, "We've been friends since highschool."
That might sound really weird, but I'm excited for that day because you were the one who showed me that people actually can stay good friends for more then just a year or two.
But...there's one more thing that I love..maybe even more then those things above.
I love that because we have a relationship that mostly consists of 'giggle fits' and sarcasm, when we take the time to have real conversations about life and find out how we're each doing, the things that come out of those times mean a lot more to me then most, and I usually end up learning things about myself that I didn't know before.
Even though we're both growing and changing into the people we're going to be, I know that we'll come out on the other side still the same goods friends that we are today. Still laughing about stupid inappropriate things that only 14 year old boys laugh at, and still not being what most people would consider your normal girl. ;)
I'm glad we're friends dude. I really really am.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for sticking with me the last few months. I know we haven't gotten to see each other and hangout as much as usual, so thank you for not acting like a stupid hoe and being all emotional and thinking that I've replaced you.
So yeah, this is why you're hot. ;)
I love you to death. <3
Monday, October 25, 2010
Snow
I think there are certain things in every person’s life that instantly make them feel hopeless when thought about or seen. For me, one of those things is snow. Every time I look out the window and see it gathering in its clean white blanket of death, I feel utterly hopeless.
I’ve never been very fond of the snow to begin with, but driving in it really freaks me out, especially now that the tires on my car are completely bald.
It wasn’t safe for me to be driving on them at this time last year, and now it’s (in the least dramatic way possible,) a death trap. Towards the end of summer I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to get new tires at all, but my amazing mother made my dad buy some for me. Now all I have to do is find a way to get thru this next week without driving my car until my mom makes my dad put the tires on my car…We’ll see if I survive.
It is interesting to me though, that my mom had to make my dad buy me new tires. And that she will have to make him put them on for me. I know that my dad loves me…in some way…but I’ve never understood his way of showing it.
To him, it should have been obvious that he loved us because he went to work every day. “I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!” is what he always used to yell at us. I never remember hearing that and thinking that my dad loved me. He always made it sound like, “If it wasn’t for you my life would be so much better.”
Looking back, I’ve never known without a doubt that my dad loves me, or would do anything for me. I can’t say that my dad would do everything within his power to make sure that I was safe, or that he would even lift a finger to help me for that matter. If it made him look good in front of other people, he might consider it…but bottom line, I’m not worth it to him, I never have been, and honestly, I might never be. And that’s okay with me....I think.
What bothers me the most is this: People thinking that because they’ve done something kind for the people around them that that proves their undying love for them and no continued action or affection is necessary.
To me love is a commitment that requires more of you than is comfortable to give at times. It requires dropping more of your pride then you would like. It requires some form of continued action other than going to work every day. I don’t know, I could totally be wrong…It just seems like my dad would be going to work every day even if I didn’t exist…so for him to say that’s his way of showing love toward me just doesn’t seem….I don’t know…real enough…
I’ve never been very fond of the snow to begin with, but driving in it really freaks me out, especially now that the tires on my car are completely bald.
It wasn’t safe for me to be driving on them at this time last year, and now it’s (in the least dramatic way possible,) a death trap. Towards the end of summer I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to get new tires at all, but my amazing mother made my dad buy some for me. Now all I have to do is find a way to get thru this next week without driving my car until my mom makes my dad put the tires on my car…We’ll see if I survive.
It is interesting to me though, that my mom had to make my dad buy me new tires. And that she will have to make him put them on for me. I know that my dad loves me…in some way…but I’ve never understood his way of showing it.
To him, it should have been obvious that he loved us because he went to work every day. “I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!” is what he always used to yell at us. I never remember hearing that and thinking that my dad loved me. He always made it sound like, “If it wasn’t for you my life would be so much better.”
Looking back, I’ve never known without a doubt that my dad loves me, or would do anything for me. I can’t say that my dad would do everything within his power to make sure that I was safe, or that he would even lift a finger to help me for that matter. If it made him look good in front of other people, he might consider it…but bottom line, I’m not worth it to him, I never have been, and honestly, I might never be. And that’s okay with me....I think.
What bothers me the most is this: People thinking that because they’ve done something kind for the people around them that that proves their undying love for them and no continued action or affection is necessary.
To me love is a commitment that requires more of you than is comfortable to give at times. It requires dropping more of your pride then you would like. It requires some form of continued action other than going to work every day. I don’t know, I could totally be wrong…It just seems like my dad would be going to work every day even if I didn’t exist…so for him to say that’s his way of showing love toward me just doesn’t seem….I don’t know…real enough…
Monday, September 27, 2010
Just so we're all clear...
Becoming an intern will most definitely show you things about yourself that you do not want to see. It will show you the pride, arrogance, and malice that are lurking in your own heart. In a way, it will show you who you really are...Or at least who you would be without Christ. I think we all have this idea that other people perceive us the same way we perceive ourselves. I think most of us would say that we are pretty nice or at least somewhat decent people. That we’re patient, loving, kind, generous, ect. ect. I think we would like to say that we are those things…at least to some extent. But what would those who are closest to you say? Because you see, I could give you a long list of things I’d like to be, but an even longer list of things that I would love not to be, but am. And I think if someone were to ask the people who see me the most to look at these two lists and check all the things that apply, more of the things on that longer list would be circled then would be on the shorter one. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not feeling badly about myself in this post, I’m just trying to be honest in my evaluation of myself. We all have things we need to work on, and for me those things seem to be everything. And to be honest, I’m excited to be working on them. While it’s nowhere near close to being an enjoyable experience, I’m looking forward to the day when something unbelievably frustrating happens, and I don’t get really pissed. ha.
Sorry...I couldn't help myself. I searched "inspiring pictures" and this is what came up....hahaha
Sorry...I couldn't help myself. I searched "inspiring pictures" and this is what came up....hahaha
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