Monday, April 22, 2013

Fade and Then Return

Do you ever feel like sometimes an emotion can be so deep inside of you that words can’t fully describe how you feel? That sounds terribly dramatic, but it’s just a thought.
I’m about to be 21, and while I’m really excited for it, I’m also reminded of how much things change with time. How some friends turn into acquaintances, while others fall off the map completely. And others still remain your best friends, but from a long distance. And I can’t decide which is harder to deal with honestly.

You know that saying, “He who ceases to be a friend never was one”? I don’t like, or agree with that statement. I think when you cease to be friends with someone, it’s because one of you is different than you were at first. It doesn’t matter if you or they changed for better or worse, all that matters is that someone is different. Maybe you’re both different people now than you were then. The thing that’s hard about this one is that it seems to hurt for a long time, but usually comes to a head and then the worst is over and you can move on. Sure, the pain can fluctuate until the time when you deal with it once and for all, but ultimately, this one has more of an expiration date. The friend who becomes an acquaintance? Well, that’s a different story. And I’m not sure if it can be summed up as easily, or if the acquaintance and the “fall off the map” friend aren’t actually one in the same.

I personally however, feel that the people who continue to try to be in your life, but ultimately can only be involved in the once a week phone calls, are the more painful of the three. Because in this situation you’re continually fighting to stay as close as possible, but the harder you try the more you realize just how limited your role in their life is, and how limited their role is in yours. And with every phone call you forget all the things that you would normally tell them, because you don’t know if you have 5 minutes, or 15, and you need to get the important things out of the way while you have time to do so. When every missed phone call feels like a missed opportunity and every inside joke is forgotten over time, while you each go on with your lives making new memories and inside jokes with other people. It’s a constant reminder of how much life changes, and how unprepared you are to deal with it.

I guess I’m just being stupid because tomorrow is arguably the biggest birthday I’ll ever have, and all I want is for my best friend to be here for it, and I know that that’s not possible. And while I have so many other amazing people in my life to spend my time with, your best friends aren't replaceable, no matter how much I sometimes wish they were.

“I think the reason people hold onto memories so tight is because memories are the only things that don't change when everything and everyone else does.”