Monday, October 25, 2010


I think there are certain things in every person’s life that instantly make them feel hopeless when thought about or seen. For me, one of those things is snow. Every time I look out the window and see it gathering in its clean white blanket of death, I feel utterly hopeless.
I’ve never been very fond of the snow to begin with, but driving in it really freaks me out, especially now that the tires on my car are completely bald.
It wasn’t safe for me to be driving on them at this time last year, and now it’s (in the least dramatic way possible,) a death trap. Towards the end of summer I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to get new tires at all, but my amazing mother made my dad buy some for me. Now all I have to do is find a way to get thru this next week without driving my car until my mom makes my dad put the tires on my car…We’ll see if I survive.

It is interesting to me though, that my mom had to make my dad buy me new tires. And that she will have to make him put them on for me. I know that my dad loves me…in some way…but I’ve never understood his way of showing it.
To him, it should have been obvious that he loved us because he went to work every day. “I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!” is what he always used to yell at us. I never remember hearing that and thinking that my dad loved me. He always made it sound like, “If it wasn’t for you my life would be so much better.”

Looking back, I’ve never known without a doubt that my dad loves me, or would do anything for me. I can’t say that my dad would do everything within his power to make sure that I was safe, or that he would even lift a finger to help me for that matter. If it made him look good in front of other people, he might consider it…but bottom line, I’m not worth it to him, I never have been, and honestly, I might never be. And that’s okay with me....I think.

What bothers me the most is this: People thinking that because they’ve done something kind for the people around them that that proves their undying love for them and no continued action or affection is necessary.
To me love is a commitment that requires more of you than is comfortable to give at times. It requires dropping more of your pride then you would like. It requires some form of continued action other than going to work every day. I don’t know, I could totally be wrong…It just seems like my dad would be going to work every day even if I didn’t exist…so for him to say that’s his way of showing love toward me just doesn’t seem….I don’t know…real enough…

1 comment:

chris and annie said...

I thought I'd just check and see if you posted a blog, and lo and behold, YOU DID!! yay! I loved the line that said "Every time I look out the window and see it gathering in its clean white blanket of death, I feel utterly hopeless." How similar we are in these things my small friend. At least I am not moving for a while, and we can get thru this winter together!! Vitamin D, here we come!!! Hallelujah! AND if we get an extra 50 bucks, I am totally giving it to you to get those tires on...we can't have the icy road death-trapping you:)
Love you girl..