Life. It can be tiresome. Painful; wonderful; and terrifying all at the same time. I've been thinking the last few days, I'm getting close to my 18th birthday, and I feel like instead of actually growing in maturity this last year, that I've digressed. I don't feel like I'm ready to be an "adult". If that's what you would call an 18 year old. I feel more like a kid then I have in a long time. Not in a fun exciting way either. In a "I feel lost and don't think I'm ready for anymore responsibility" kind of way. I feel very immature for not wanting to find a job; for not wanting to study to retake my math test; just all around not wanting to do anything I don't really want to do. But at the same time, I really do want to do these things. I want a good job; I want to know how to do at the very least, some basic math; and I really want to study for a job in the medical field. I'm just ridiculously lazy. And scared of failure. But more then any of that, more then any of my fears, I want to be taken seriously. I want to feel like I'm moving forward. I really really want to feel, and BE responsible.
I saw some friends of mine last night who I haven't seen in a year or so because they've been away at college. I found myself feeling very small and unaccomplished as they were asked what they were doing with themselves and they actually had an answer. And then there was me: "Um...well I just graduated a little while ago (not mentioning that I FAILED the math on the GED and will have to take it again soon), and now I'm looking for a job...oh, no I'm not going up to the college just yet..."
I couldn't help but feel somewhat pathetic standing next to this girl who's 20 and almost done with 4 years of college in Portland.
Now, this is the part where I reassure you that I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not depressed by these things, and I know that I'm only 17 and this is all a normal part of life. :) I just wanted to write some of this down and kind of get my thoughts together. And Annie requested a new blog post. ;) Happy New Year guys!