Friday, January 1, 2010

growing up

Life. It can be tiresome. Painful; wonderful; and terrifying all at the same time. I've been thinking the last few days, I'm getting close to my 18th birthday, and I feel like instead of actually growing in maturity this last year, that I've digressed. I don't feel like I'm ready to be an "adult". If that's what you would call an 18 year old. I feel more like a kid then I have in a long time. Not in a fun exciting way either. In a "I feel lost and don't think I'm ready for anymore responsibility" kind of way. I feel very immature for not wanting to find a job; for not wanting to study to retake my math test; just all around not wanting to do anything I don't really want to do. But at the same time, I really do want to do these things. I want a good job; I want to know how to do at the very least, some basic math; and I really want to study for a job in the medical field. I'm just ridiculously lazy. And scared of failure. But more then any of that, more then any of my fears, I want to be taken seriously. I want to feel like I'm moving forward. I really really want to feel, and BE responsible.

I saw some friends of mine last night who I haven't seen in a year or so because they've been away at college. I found myself feeling very small and unaccomplished as they were asked what they were doing with themselves and they actually had an answer. And then there was me: "Um...well I just graduated a little while ago (not mentioning that I FAILED the math on the GED and will have to take it again soon), and now I'm looking for a job...oh, no I'm not going up to the college just yet..."
I couldn't help but feel somewhat pathetic standing next to this girl who's 20 and almost done with 4 years of college in Portland.

Now, this is the part where I reassure you that I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not depressed by these things, and I know that I'm only 17 and this is all a normal part of life. :) I just wanted to write some of this down and kind of get my thoughts together. And Annie requested a new blog post. ;) Happy New Year guys!


1 comment:

chris and annie said...

That was good. I remember feeling like that around my friends too. Now I don't care, but it is a strange feeling being the only person within our circle who has not attended college at all.....I have friends who graduated from Berkley, Pepperdine, Cal Arts, UCSB, etc...and so much reason to feel small and under-accomplished...but I DON'T. Because college really isn't for everybody. And you have the whole future before you!! Becks, if you think it will do you better to go to college, then you can do it. If you don't, then don't. You are awesome, and brilliant, and there's just no changing THAT:)
Love ya, and thanks for writing...my world is better today because of you.
Annie