Monday, September 27, 2010

Just so we're all clear...

Becoming an intern will most definitely show you things about yourself that you do not want to see. It will show you the pride, arrogance, and malice that are lurking in your own heart. In a way, it will show you who you really are...Or at least who you would be without Christ. I think we all have this idea that other people perceive us the same way we perceive ourselves. I think most of us would say that we are pretty nice or at least somewhat decent people. That we’re patient, loving, kind, generous, ect. ect. I think we would like to say that we are those things…at least to some extent. But what would those who are closest to you say? Because you see, I could give you a long list of things I’d like to be, but an even longer list of things that I would love not to be, but am. And I think if someone were to ask the people who see me the most to look at these two lists and check all the things that apply, more of the things on that longer list would be circled then would be on the shorter one. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not feeling badly about myself in this post, I’m just trying to be honest in my evaluation of myself. We all have things we need to work on, and for me those things seem to be everything. And to be honest, I’m excited to be working on them. While it’s nowhere near close to being an enjoyable experience, I’m looking forward to the day when something unbelievably frustrating happens, and I don’t get really pissed. ha.

Sorry...I couldn't help myself. I searched "inspiring pictures" and this is what came up....hahaha

Sunday, September 12, 2010


Stupid freaking California.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I've become quiet...

I'm not sure when this happened.

I realized the other night though, that I don't talk very much anymore. It used to be that whenever something interesting happened to me I couldn't wait to tell my friends and family. But now there are a lot of things that go unsaid simply because I've lost the desire to share them. It's not that I don't talk to anyone ( I think I still do a great deal of talking if I'm around someone long enough.), I just feel like I don't have anything interesting to say anymore. Not that I really ever did come to think of it...I just don't really have much to say to anyone anymore it feels like. Even people I don't get to talk to very often. I see them or talk to them on the phone and I find myself not knowing what to say. It's as if I've convinced myself that no one cares about the little things I have to say. Either that or I just don't care to tell them. And it's not because I don't want them to know whats going on in my life, its simply because I feel like I don't have the energy to tell them. I realized this the other night when my mom was talking to me. She would pause and wait for me to say something, but I never had anything to offer the conversation. I feel like my brain just shuts itself off. It's as if it gets tired of thinking and formulating sentences so it just stops whenever it feels like it and I'm left with a completely blank and useless brain. It might as well not even be up there if that's how it's going to act.
But seriously, how sad is that? I can't even have a normal conversation with my own mother because I can't think of a single thing to say. I'm over it. I'm ready to be able to form somewhat intelligent thoughts. It's either that or act like a 4 year old and start repeating other people when I don't know what to say to them.....I can't wait to see which one I choose.