The things you don't want to hear

I was asked the other day to look back over this last year and find something that I learned and share it with a group of people that, in all honesty I don't really know that well. At first I thought I might be able to make something up. Maybe try and come up with something deep and profound that would sound really good to everyone. But when I actually started to look at what I'd learned this year, it wasn't what I'd hoped I'd find. It wasn't deep and profound. It wasn't encouraging by any means. Instead, what I found was that more than anything else, I had learn a lot about myself this year.

And I can't say that I like what I saw.

As I thought about this last year and what I've filled it with, I realized something:
I'm terrified of being a disappointment.
I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect for those around me, and what the hell for?

I think for a while I had subconsciously convinced myself that if I was the best possible version of myself that I could be, than I would have left an unforgettable impression in the lives of those around me. And that if I succeeded in being that amazing person one hundred percent of the time, then maybe people wouldn't see my faults and insecurities.

Funny huh? I'm not really sure how or when I managed to convince myself of such an absurd impossibility...all I know is that it's one of the more foolish things I've done so far in my life.

But what I've learned from it is this:
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be the best you can be, because I do want to strive to be worthy of Gods call on my life. But if I'm striving to be perfect for other people, it's all in vain. What matters is the heart behind our actions. If our motives are clouded, then won't our actions be clouded as well? I don'know. All I'm sure of is that I'm already good enough in Gods eyes. He loves me just the way I am, so I don't Need to strive for him to be happy with me. I don't need to strive so that he won't forget me.

While it's because of this great love and acceptance that I continually do strive to be what God has called me to be, it's never because I feel like he's going to be disappointed in me if I make a mistake. It's never because I fear that he's going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not good enough for him to love after all. It's because I know that my salvation has already been paid for. That theres absolutely nothing I can do to be better then how He already sees me.

Because I can't beat perfect.

This is why you're hot...

Soo...this is the first installment in a series I'm calling "This is why you're hot"
Over the next few weeks (or months), I'm going to be writing a few posts about some of the people who have impacted my life, and what I love about them.

So here goes...

LeeAnne


I don't think I laugh more with any other person. You've shown me that it's good to be passionate about the things that interest you, whether other people are supportive of those passions or not. And that it's okay to have fun doing random and occasionally really dumb things. Even if my brother thinks its stupid. ;) I can always count on you for an adventure. Whether it's walking the butte and finding random middle schoolers getting it on in the bathrooms, or saving the world from zombies and then looking out the window to find the swat-team in your front yard, we always have a good time. You're the only person I'll let take my picture because you're the only one I trust not to post the ones I don't like on facebook. ;)

I love how we can talk about how stupid we think women are while listening to Demon Hunter and playing xbox and then turn around and talk about Twilight and how beautiful Robert Pattinson is. ;D

But I think the thing I love most is this: That we don't have to spend every minute of everyday talking about how much we love each other in order to know that we do.
That even if we end up on opposite ends of the earth someday, that I know without a doubt that you won't forget about me. That someday 20 or 30 years from now, when I introduce you to someone I can say, "We've been friends since highschool."
That might sound really weird, but I'm excited for that day because you were the one who showed me that people actually can stay good friends for more then just a year or two.

But...there's one more thing that I love..maybe even more then those things above.
I love that because we have a relationship that mostly consists of 'giggle fits' and sarcasm, when we take the time to have real conversations about life and find out how we're each doing, the things that come out of those times mean a lot more to me then most, and I usually end up learning things about myself that I didn't know before.

Even though we're both growing and changing into the people we're going to be, I know that we'll come out on the other side still the same goods friends that we are today. Still laughing about stupid inappropriate things that only 14 year old boys laugh at, and still not being what most people would consider your normal girl. ;)

I'm glad we're friends dude. I really really am.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for sticking with me the last few months. I know we haven't gotten to see each other and hangout as much as usual, so thank you for not acting like a stupid hoe and being all emotional and thinking that I've replaced you.

So yeah, this is why you're hot. ;)

I love you to death. <3

Snow

I think there are certain things in every person’s life that instantly make them feel hopeless when thought about or seen. For me, one of those things is snow. Every time I look out the window and see it gathering in its clean white blanket of death, I feel utterly hopeless.
I’ve never been very fond of the snow to begin with, but driving in it really freaks me out, especially now that the tires on my car are completely bald.
It wasn’t safe for me to be driving on them at this time last year, and now it’s (in the least dramatic way possible,) a death trap. Towards the end of summer I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to get new tires at all, but my amazing mother made my dad buy some for me. Now all I have to do is find a way to get thru this next week without driving my car until my mom makes my dad put the tires on my car…We’ll see if I survive.

It is interesting to me though, that my mom had to make my dad buy me new tires. And that she will have to make him put them on for me. I know that my dad loves me…in some way…but I’ve never understood his way of showing it.
To him, it should have been obvious that he loved us because he went to work every day. “I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!” is what he always used to yell at us. I never remember hearing that and thinking that my dad loved me. He always made it sound like, “If it wasn’t for you my life would be so much better.”

Looking back, I’ve never known without a doubt that my dad loves me, or would do anything for me. I can’t say that my dad would do everything within his power to make sure that I was safe, or that he would even lift a finger to help me for that matter. If it made him look good in front of other people, he might consider it…but bottom line, I’m not worth it to him, I never have been, and honestly, I might never be. And that’s okay with me....I think.

What bothers me the most is this: People thinking that because they’ve done something kind for the people around them that that proves their undying love for them and no continued action or affection is necessary.
To me love is a commitment that requires more of you than is comfortable to give at times. It requires dropping more of your pride then you would like. It requires some form of continued action other than going to work every day. I don’t know, I could totally be wrong…It just seems like my dad would be going to work every day even if I didn’t exist…so for him to say that’s his way of showing love toward me just doesn’t seem….I don’t know…real enough…

Just so we're all clear...

Becoming an intern will most definitely show you things about yourself that you do not want to see. It will show you the pride, arrogance, and malice that are lurking in your own heart. In a way, it will show you who you really are...Or at least who you would be without Christ. I think we all have this idea that other people perceive us the same way we perceive ourselves. I think most of us would say that we are pretty nice or at least somewhat decent people. That we’re patient, loving, kind, generous, ect. ect. I think we would like to say that we are those things…at least to some extent. But what would those who are closest to you say? Because you see, I could give you a long list of things I’d like to be, but an even longer list of things that I would love not to be, but am. And I think if someone were to ask the people who see me the most to look at these two lists and check all the things that apply, more of the things on that longer list would be circled then would be on the shorter one. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not feeling badly about myself in this post, I’m just trying to be honest in my evaluation of myself. We all have things we need to work on, and for me those things seem to be everything. And to be honest, I’m excited to be working on them. While it’s nowhere near close to being an enjoyable experience, I’m looking forward to the day when something unbelievably frustrating happens, and I don’t get really pissed. ha.



Sorry...I couldn't help myself. I searched "inspiring pictures" and this is what came up....hahaha

.....

Stupid freaking California.

I've become quiet...

I'm not sure when this happened.

I realized the other night though, that I don't talk very much anymore. It used to be that whenever something interesting happened to me I couldn't wait to tell my friends and family. But now there are a lot of things that go unsaid simply because I've lost the desire to share them. It's not that I don't talk to anyone ( I think I still do a great deal of talking if I'm around someone long enough.), I just feel like I don't have anything interesting to say anymore. Not that I really ever did come to think of it...I just don't really have much to say to anyone anymore it feels like. Even people I don't get to talk to very often. I see them or talk to them on the phone and I find myself not knowing what to say. It's as if I've convinced myself that no one cares about the little things I have to say. Either that or I just don't care to tell them. And it's not because I don't want them to know whats going on in my life, its simply because I feel like I don't have the energy to tell them. I realized this the other night when my mom was talking to me. She would pause and wait for me to say something, but I never had anything to offer the conversation. I feel like my brain just shuts itself off. It's as if it gets tired of thinking and formulating sentences so it just stops whenever it feels like it and I'm left with a completely blank and useless brain. It might as well not even be up there if that's how it's going to act.
But seriously, how sad is that? I can't even have a normal conversation with my own mother because I can't think of a single thing to say. I'm over it. I'm ready to be able to form somewhat intelligent thoughts. It's either that or act like a 4 year old and start repeating other people when I don't know what to say to them.....I can't wait to see which one I choose.

I don't even know where to begin...

So I might as well start from the beginning.

5 and a half years ago, my brother and I went to a church called Oasis for the first time. On the way there I remember both of us saying that for the first time in our lives we were actually excited to be going to church. I remember listening to the pastor thinking "where did this guy come from? I've never heard this stuff before." For the first time in my life, I felt something inside of me stir, and the two and a half years that followed, I felt my spirit come to life. I realized what it meant to follow Christ. That he wasn't just some guy that died on a cross for his friends 2,000 years ago; He's God, He's my Father, He loves me more then anyone else ever has and ever will, and He is to be Honored. I could go on and on telling you all the things I learned sitting in that church for the two, very short, and precious years that I did, but that would make for a ridiculously long blog.

Fast forward to Sunday March 4th 2007. That Sunday was different. For the fist time in two and a half years I didn't feel challenged or convicted. I sat there wondering if it was something I was doing wrong. Was I not listening? Was I off in another world somewhere? But when church was drawing to an end, the pastor praying and the worship team quietly playing in the background, I saw something I'd never seen before. I saw my pastor fall to his knees, and felt something in me become tense. I realized later that that tension was like a buzzer sounding off to warn me that something terribly wrong was about to happen.
Two day's later I was told what is possibly the hardest news I've ever heard. I was told that my pastor had confessed to his wife that he had been unfaithful to her.

I hardly spoke for two days. I went right to my room and put on one of the sermons he had taught, and I prayed it wasn't true. I begged God to tell me it wasn't true. For the first time in my life I can say I was truly heartbroken. I felt like something inside of me had been ripped out. Ripped out with so much force, that I didn't know how I would be able to go on.
The next night I went to my youth group in the hopes of being able to cry with and lean on the rest of my church family, who would no doubt be just as heartbroken as me. But I couldn't find one person who looked even the slightest bit shaken. I was so confused. Didn't they care? Hadn't they heard? Were the leaders going to tell us that night? What was going to happen? I sat in small group very quietly. Just waiting for some sign that I wasn't the only broken person sitting there. It wasn't until we did prayer requests that I found someone who shared in my pain. When my small group leader was asked what her prayer request was, she answered: "I'm heartbroken. My whole world has been turned upside down this week." My feelings exactly. When I got home that night, I went to the salsa kitchen to be alone. I fell against the door and slid to the floor and wept. All I could do was ask God why. I must have asked a hundred times. When I was finally able to wipe the tears from my eyes and look up, I was given the answer to my question. I looked up to find the name of the company that made the 100 gallon bowl that we used for making salsa welded to the side of the bowl that I was facing. The name of the company is Groen.

Growing. That was the answer I was given. The pain and heartache was so I could grow. It was so God could bring me closer to himself. And with that, I was okay...more or less. It wasn't that the hole that had been ripped through me was any smaller; it wasn't that my heart was any less broken. It was that I knew God was still there. It was that I knew he hadn't abandoned me.

When I walked into church that Sunday I looked for my pastor...but I never found him. I wanted so badly to find him and tell him how sorry I was. To tell him that I had forgiven him the very instant I'd heard what happened. To give him a hug and tell him how much I loved him. But he was nowhere to be found. I was never given the chance to say those things to him. Due to the way him and his family were pushed out of town and not aloud to come speak with all of us, I didn't get to say goodbye. That hurt. And for three years I've hated going to church. I've sat and listened, and never been told anything new. Never been challenged. For three years I've felt homeless. And more then anything else, I've missed my church and my pastor so desperately.

Fast forward 3 years to May 7th 2010.
I finally got to see my pastor and his family again. I got to hug them and tell them how much I've missed them. How much I love them. I got to tell my old pastor that I forgave him, that I had never been angry with him for even a second. I can't express how awesome and yet heart wrenching it was to look across the room and see him and his Amazing wife standing there. It was awesome because I was seeing and talking with them for the first time in such a long time, and heart wrenching because all I wanted to do was find some way to go back in time. All I wanted was to find some way to bring them back, to have him be my pastor again, to have Oasis back. And knowing that I can't....is almost to much to bare.

To be honest, I didn't know how much it was going to hurt to see them again. I didn't realize that it was going to force me to realize how much I've missed them. Not that I'd forgotten, but I'd developed a nice shell of numbness. I'd gotten pretty good at pushing the pain of missing them, as far away from me as I could. I'd gotten pretty good at ignoring the heartache that is still very much alive and well. And now it's as if the scab has been ripped off.

But even though it hurt to have that scab ripped away, I got to see my pastor again. And words cannot express how much joy that gives me. I can't even believe how blessed I am to have been able to spend some time last night and some of today with him and his family. I was shocked to find out that they actually remembered me. ME of all people. I can't explain what a blessing this weekend has been. They even gave me and LeeAnne their address and phone numbers and sincerely invited us to come visit them at anytime. I wish I could explain how truly amazing they are. I wish I could explain how much I love them. But I don't think I could do it justice.