Loudness. Vodka. More loudness. And then more Vodka.

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a 6"5 overweight sleazeball, that nobody in the family likes, downing a half a bottle of vodka almost all by himself. I'm not going anywhere with this, I just thought it would be an intriguing opening. ;)

Well, this Christmas has been....okay. The drive down was uneventful. I managed to go an average speed of 65 the whole way. Till we got to Idaho that is. I could have been going 80, but of course mom had to be....well, mom, and I was ordered to keep it at 65 due to the studded tires (not that I obeyed that order though....heh..). Last night and most of today has been somewhat depressing. Both have been filled with trying not to think about this being the first of what I'm sure will be many Christmas's spent without my brother. And then there's the periodic moan from mom about missing him, and asking every time my phone goes off "Is that Ben??". Overall though, once the annoying loud family left, the rest of the day has been rather pleasant. My constant companions being my ipod; phone; and...a book I started reading last night. I've never read so much in my life. Of course, I haven't had this much time on my hands in a long time.

I've always liked the idea of reading. Getting wrapped up in some other reality and for a few moments, forgetting about your own. I think I've read 150 pages or so in the last 24 hours. Most of that being in the last 10 hours. Needless to say, its been ridiculously boring so far. But I'm determined to not be a pain in the a** and ruin my mom's stay with a bad attitude. But, oddly enough, it hasn't been that hard to be in at least, a somewhat good mood. Not cheery, but not really unhappy either. I must be maturing. Either that, or too apathetic to be unhappy about anything. I'm not sure which. I have a feeling its a mix though.

Tomorrow the women (which apparently includes me) are going shopping in Boise for my cousins birthday on Sunday. Oi. I forgot about Sunday. Another party with the loud vodka drinker and his impossible wife and son. At least that's still two days away.

Well, time to go. It's after 10 now here in I da ho. Which means its after 9 in bend. Which means I now have free minutes on my cell phone. Merry Christmas Blog. You've been good to me this year.

on to happier things

A few nights ago I stayed the night at my friend Annas house. In the morning I got up about 45 minutes before she did and I laid awake thinking about some of the people in my life. I know a lot of good people. Sweet, kind, generous people. As I thought about them, I expressed my desire to be more like them, to God. I thought, "I'd like to be a sweet person. I don't think that would be a word anyone would use to describe me...other good things possibly, but not sweet. (now don't get me wrong, I don't mean sweet in a "Oh she's just the sweetest thing" kind of way. Just in the way that I'd like my demeanor and immediate reactions to things to be more kind and loving. I'd like to be more approachable I guess would be a good way of putting it. I didn't have to explain all this to God of course. He knew what I meant. That's one of the reasons why I like him so much. ;) After I expressed these things, the verse that says "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" so gracefully and lovingly came to mind. It was as if He was saying, "If you want to be better at these things, fill your heart with me. I'd love to help you."

Needless to say, the rest of that day was great. :) It was the second time in my life where I felt, and could clearly identify the presence of Christ' joy in my little heart....hahaha! I don't think I could have made that ANY cheesier. Mission accomplished! ;)


Oh, and in case you were wondering, the first time I ever really felt that joy, had a little something to do with these people. :)

I really shouldn't blog this late...

I'm selfish. I spend a great deal more time thinking about myself then I should. Now I know that thinking about myself, and never putting others before me, are two completely different things, but I still feel like a very selfish human being.
I don't want things to change. I don't want people to leave. I don't want my relationships to change (some of them that is). I don't want to loose the comfort and closeness I have with some. The selfish part of me doesn't really want what's best for my friends and family if it doesn't include me in it. Sometimes I think its rather cruel that people have their own lives and I'm not always going to be in them. haha. Pathetic huh? Of course, your not going to agree with me. Or at least your not going to say it if you do.

I feel like I'm wandering. Not really doing anything that will last. I don't have school, or a job. And to be honest, I really have lost all motivation to have either one. I guess it's true...I'm lazy. Not something I want to be. Somehow it just happened and I'm not sure how or why. I feel like I'm letting a few people in my life down by being this way. And I know their probably disappointed in me. I just don't know how to fix it. Almost everything I've learned in my life I had to teach myself. When I've asked for help I've been told no...one way or another. And when I get a yes, not much ever comes from it. It was like that with school, it's like that with looking for a job. If I don't do good enough I get treated like I've just failed at life and I should have known better.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to fix my lack of motivation. I'm not happy with life at the moment....I mean, most of it is great. It's just that amount that seemed so small at first, has gotten a lot bigger then I hoped it would..and I don't see it getting smaller any time soon. I know the answer to all this is to give it over to Christ...I just don't want to. I'm tired of asking for help and never seeing any good come of it. Which proves to me, that I am indeed blind.

Of course, all of this could just be because it's almost 1 in the morning.....I really can't be sure.

my big bro

I love my big brother. He's the only person who's always been there for me. He's always taken care of me, been my shoulder to cry on, given me advice, and always told me that everything will be okay. He's also one of the only people I know who doesn't talk unless he has something useful to say. I'm not one of those people. Working on it though. ha. ;) I look up to him more then anyone else. If there's one thing I'm grateful for in the midst of all the craziness in my family, its the relationship its given me with my brother.

And who knows, maybe after he gets married and all, I'll get to see him sometimes. ;)

waaaay back in the day

I miss this

the grammar in this post is disgusting

So I had to approach my dad about my car last night. I walked in the house, put my backpack in my room, walked out to the living room where he was and said, "Hey dad, do you think you could have your mechanic friend look at my car? My check engine light came on and my breaks are getting pretty bad." To which his response was to stare at me for what felt like forever, and then say, "My heart asks the question why would I do that for you?"

I couldn't believe it. I knew he was going to give me a bunch of crap and really rub it in that I was having to ask him for something, but I didn't expect that. He proceeded to lecture me for a while, and then ended with "I just want you to know I love you."

Yeah dad, sure you do.

Today as I was driving I started thinking about how long I've been asking God to change the relationships in my family. Its been a long time. Nothing has ever changed. Year after year the same old hurts, anger, and bitterness just grow deeper. My thought right after this, was that every day that goes by where God doesn't appear to do anything to answer me, I start to feel more and more suffocated. Like something is trying to get out, and the longer its forced to stay inside, the more it zaps my ability to get any air.

So having all of this on my mind today, I sat down at the piano at my teachers house (I went over to practice a duet we were going to be playing for group lesson) and started playing. When Jenny (my amazing teacher :) heard what I was playing she asked what is was, and to make a long story a little bit shorter, I ended up playing it for the rest of the students and they were to tell everyone what the song made them think of. Some of the things said really caught my attention:
Sadness. Mournful. Gray. Being deep under water. And, having to hold your breath.

Does that last one sound familiar? It was crazy. These little kids heard, and told me exactly what was going on in my heart without them even knowing it.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think my dad is ever going to change. And it's not that I don't believe God could fix the whole situation. I think its just that I've slowly given up on hoping that he will...