I suck at titles

"I wonder what my story is going to be...I seem to have a problem trusting God....I felt my heart sink. "what if?" I wondered. And over the next couple of days it was as if I could feel myself loosing heart. It happened so fast. I felt like somehow God had failed me. How ridiculous and selfish my heart is. I feel crippled by fear. Looking back, I realize I never really received much comfort from anyone when I was little. Rather, "The worlds going to hell in a hand basket" and "We're gonna end up on the street" And my personal favorite, "All the medication your mother takes is gonna kill her someday". I could never run to my dad for comfort. Ever. I don't have even one memory of my dad ever saying anything of comfort to me. I think that created a big void in me. One that I've only recently learned that I can depend on my heavenly Father to fill. But now I fear I've focused on that one aspect of who Christ is, to heavily. Now to even think about him letting me go through trials terrifies me. I don't even know....Please be by my side Father. Please let me stand behind you when I'm weak. Please restore me heart."

So all of this is from a journal entry I found from a while back. Apparently I wrote it. I mean, it's from my journal, it's my handwriting, I just have absolutely no memory of writing it. Some of these things don't even sound like me. I mean, there things I feel, but I wouldn't normally write them out for fear of sounding like a moron (and now I'm posting it on the Internet...makes perfect sense..). Have you ever done that? Written something and then found it later and can't for the life of you remember writing it? Its so odd. Anyways....now that I've posted more of my retardation for the world to see, I think I'll go to bed.

why do I always blog at night?

Well, just in case you would like to know, my friend Annie gave me some alka seltzer today, and it worked beautifully. ;)

Anyhoots. The past two days have been lovely (yes, I just said lovely). Last night was so wonderful. I forget how much I love hanging out at the Mays house. Anna and I just sat in her room most of the night, but it was so nice. :) I made her listen to this really cool Super Mario jazz theme over and over again, we talked, I read a little bit ( a very little bit), she crocheted, we laughed. It was a good time. It always kind of makes me laugh that Anna and I ended up such good friends. We're so different in almost every way, but somehow we find things to talk about and we always enjoy each others company. And she's the absolute BEST person to housesit with. Hands down. :) And no one else appreciates Wallace & Gromit as much as we do. ;) So that was last night, and it was amazing.

Today, I went over to my friends Annie And Chris's house. Annie and I played wii and she let me listen to a copy of Chris's new CD (you should all buy his CD when it comes out, its quite possibly the best thing ever:). I can't really explain, but it was just a really nice time. :) You know those moments when your perfectly content to be exactly where you are, doing exactly what your doing? That was today from the hours of 3:00 to 5:35. It's a comforting feeling knowing that no matter what, I'm always welcome there. It's not really a feeling I've ever had before. I know there are places that I'm welcome, but there's something different about Chris and Annie's. It would take me a long time to write out all the reasons I'm so grateful for meeting this family, and maybe someday that blog will appear, but for now this will be okay. <3

alka seltzer is a beautiful thing

Yes, thats right. A BEAUTIFUL thing. I can honestly say its one of my greatest friends. Usually. There is that rare occasion (I seriously could not for the life of me remember how to spell that word for the last 2 minutes. anyway..) where it doesn't exactly do its job, and fails me. But more often then not, its there for me. Wow, its late. I should go to bed and stop this nonsense. Aren't you glad you stopped by?? ;)

a great inspirational title that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I feel inspired to write something. Though, I have no idea what to write.
hmm..Today has been a good day. In spite of my bad mood. You know those days when your not necessarily in a bad mood, but your not really in a good mood either? Yep, today was that day. I woke up at 11:15. I was pissed. Then I had a less then pleasant conversation with someone over the phone. But, the strange thing was, these things didn't really upset me, they just kind of set my day off the wrong way. I felt as though my tone was just a tad off all day. I don't care for that feeling very much. Luckily though, I have good friends who put up with me. And make me dinner, play wii with me, and just let me be in my off mood without being offended. I'm so grateful for that. It's nice being aloud to have an off day every once in awhile (hopefully its only every once in awhile anyway. I always wonder if the way I perceive myself and the way others perceive me is totally different). I don't really have a good ending for this story. Nothing that will tie everything together and make you feel like you just spent the last two minutes of your life reading a good quality blog. But hey, that's okay with me.

hmm

I should follow up that last post with the conclusion to the story...but I don't have time at the moment. But its turning out well so far. ;)

time changes everything

How do you forgive someone who doesn't know they've hurt you? How do you move on from a place that has more or less been your home for years? A place that gave you irreplaceable friendships, many fond memory's, and through experience, taught you how to love others even when you don't agree with them.

The last few days have been full of questions like these. It's a hard thing to go through when you believe your doing the right thing, and are made the butt of a joke for doing so. Especially by those you trusted. I know my time at youth group hasn't been a waste. If for no other reason, because I've met some very amazing people, who are now some of my closest friends. I don't know what good I accomplished while being there. Having been mocked by the leaders for trying to do the right thing makes me wonder if I made a difference there at all. If my time and commitment meant anything. If it didn't, that's okay.

I really didn't want my time there to end this way. I didn't want to be another person who was hurt, and then left because of it. But I can't keep going and pretend that everything is okay. And I can't confront the issue without eventually being mocked for it. Maybe I'm being unfair and pathetic, but I'm aloud to be every once in a while....right?

Part of me hopes that they'll miss me. That it will matter just a little bit that I'm gone. But the rest of me knows it won't. The world keeps spinning. Life goes on.

favorite song right now

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine