stories about me

2012-01-16T21:53:00.001-08:00

I get angry with my mom a lot. I have for a long time now. It doesn't take much...the same question asked too many times, not having enough money for things, losing the dog every three weeks, the list goes on. That sounds bad....like I'm trying to cast her in an unfair light that makes her look irresponsible or incapable. That's not my intention. I have no intention or desire to cast her in any light other than the bright, loving, beautiful one she deserves to be seen in.
It's myself that I intend to cast such a dim light over.
Because I'm the one at fault. I'm the selfish immature child who throws a fit when something I don't like is said or done.
I get angry with her over simple, stupid things that she doesn't deserve to have me get angry with her about. I don't talk to her about things because I don't want to hear what she'll have to say about them. I don't invite her places with me because I never know what kind of state she'll be in because of her pain and the medication she has to take for it. I get angry and say things like, "Why do you have a phone if you never answer it!?" when she's lost her phone, or simply didn't hear it ring. I get annoyed when she asks for help with her computer, phone, facebook, ect. I'm impatient with her, even when I know she's trying so hard to understand the things I'm feeling, or trying to tell her. And she doesn't deserve that.

The problem is, I don't know how to change those things.

Because it's not my mom that I'm so angry with...

It's her fibromyalgia.

Her rheumatoid arthritis.

The medicine she has to take that replaces the real her, with the only half there, foggy version of herself that's left.
It's the medicine that eats away at her heart, kidneys, and every other vital organ needed for survival.
It's the 16 pills a day that she has to take in order to not be in crippling, unbearable pain 24 hours a day.
It's the medicine that takes her from one misery, to a completely different, more frightening one. Sometimes I think that if they could talk they would say something like, "Here, I'll trade you...pain for a heart attack. Or liver or kidney failure. Cancer. You're going to be miserable either way, so why not delay it for as long as possible?"

I know she's never going to be okay. I know it's only a matter of time until things get worse. I'm reminded of it every time she asks me the same question four times in one conversation, or can't come see me because she can't get out of bed. Or when my dad forgets to pick up her pills and her body starts going into withdrawal. But mostly I'm reminded of it when she spends time doing the things she loves most, like playing with my nephews and nieces, or scrapbooking the weekend away, and then her fibromyalgia flares up and she can't do anything but pray for sleep until it passes a day or two later.

I hate her disease. I hate the medicine. I hate them both for what they're doing to her. For what they've always done to her. I hate them for slowly killing her. I hate them for taking so much of her away from me before I was even old enough to get to know her for who she really was. Who she used to be. And I hate them for taking her away from me still. For slowly, day by day, sucking the life out of her. Leaving behind a small frail version of herself that tries to hard to be strong. To be what her kids needed her to be. To be what her grandkids need her to be. To be the employee her bosses need her to be.

That's why I get so angry. So impatient. So shut down. Because it's easier to shut her out and distance myself from her than it is to admit how scared I am of losing her. To come to grips with the fact that she might not get to be at my wedding someday. Or even get to meet the poor guy and embarrass me with whatever it is that Mom's always seem to embarrass their daughters with upon meeting their boyfriends.

My mom was 42 when I was born. She calls me her gift from God because she found out she was pregnant with me a few months after my Grandma died of lung cancer. It's been 20 years since my Grandma died. My mom's 61 now, and still talks about how much she misses her mom and then begins to cry. And then she tells me the same story about how my Grandma accepted Christ before she died, and then she smiles and changes the subject.

I don't want my mom to be sick. I never have. When I was little I used to think that if I prayed hard enough she would get better. That if I was good enough than I would never lose her. That maybe, just maybe God would spare me that pain.

But now I'm not so sure. Of course now I know that my mom's sickness isn't dependent on my good behavior. But I also know that she's not getting any better. That she's not going to. she knows it. she knows how upset it makes me when she talks about it too, so she doesn't do that very often. But she did it tonight when she took me out for coffee. She said her plan is to try to make it to 67 so she can retire, and then hopefully, if she's really lucky, live to be 70.

When my mom is 70, I'll only be 28.

A few months ago I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis that I loved so much I wrote it on a piece of paper I ripped out of a surfing magazine and taped it to the wall next to my bed.
Now I wish I had never seen it. Much less put it on my wall where it hangs, staring a hole into the side of my head. Because it's true. He's absolutely right. I should just accept it and move on. After all, can I lessen the pain I'm bound to feel by telling myself that it's not true? That I'll be the exception to the rule? That I'll be the one who goes unscathed and without the pain death brings to all who live this life? No...I don't think I can. I think to convince myself of such a thing would only make it that much more painful when my delusion of safety were to come crashing down.

"I had yet to learn that all human relationships end in pain-it is the price that out imperfection has allowed Satan to exact from us for the privilege to love."
-C.S. Lewis

Dear diary;)

2011-09-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

I always wanted to go to New York. I remember seeing it in all the movies and listening to people talk about it and how busy it is there, and thinking it sounded like such a great place. It was always one of those places that I hoped I would get to see someday, but figured that I probably never would. I just always figured that I would never have the money to go, or anyone to go with.

Last year one of my best friends got an acceptance letter from New York University. The first thing she said to me was, "You have to come see New York and help me move all my crap there!"
And just like that, I decided I was going to New York. I got a second job and started saving for a plane ticket, and before I knew it, the end of August was here and it was time to move my friend across the country...

As with all defining life moments, it turned out that getting to New York hadn't been the hard part after all, it was coming home. It was getting on the plane alone and looking out the window and watching the city disappear.
And with it, my best friend.

I can't explain why it hurt so much. Perhaps that's just the way it feels when someone you care about moves far away. Knowing that you can't call them up and hangout with them anymore, or receive texts saying "What are you doing RIGHT NOW?" or "That's okay! Wal-Mart's open til 11! I need you to take me there:)" And the worst part, knowing that in those moments when you miss them the most, there's almost 3,000 miles in-between your home, and theirs.

I don't remember when I realized it. Maybe it was when I found out that my two best friends were leaving Bend all within the same 2 months. One moving to the other side of the country, and one leaving it all together. Maybe I realized it when I actually started pursuing my relationship with God again. Or maybe I knew it all along, but was never able to grasp it until recently. This thing I realized: There's a time for everything. I know that's not a deeply moving or profound thought. And yes, I know that that's one of the main points of Ecclesiastes and if you've grown up in church you've heard it a thousand times. But hearing something over and over and over again, and then finally realizing it's true, are two different things.

It's funny how at different times in our lives we'll either hate change and beg God to let things stay the way they are, or hate where we are and beg God to change something. Anything. Just as long as when you wake up tomorrow, it's not to the same exact thing you woke up to yesterday.

This thing I realized about everything having a season, was that my time to grow up was coming...and it was coming fast. My adventure isn't going to be the same as my friends though. I don't know exactly what it's going to be, but I think that God has something a little bit different in-store for me.
It's easy to get discouraged and feel like you're not worth very much when almost everywhere you go people are asking you what you're doing with your life and you don't have an answer for them. I was at work the other day and got lectured by a customer for 20 minutes about how I need to get back in school and be like his daughter who is making a crap-ton of money and getting ten thousand dollar raises every year. He went on to tell me that his daughter is happy because she loves her job, and the reason she loves her job is because she went to school for it. That's fair. I can totally understand that. I can even be happy for his daughter. That's awesome. But then he said this, "Unless you get your ass back in school and get a good career, you won't be happy. People who work at meaningless jobs like this, are never happy." Those weren't his exact words, but he got his point across loud and clear. For 20 minutes. No joke.

Have you ever been to New Zealand? I haven't, but one of my best friends is leaving in October to go there until the beginning of next year, at which point who knows how long she'll be back here before she either goes back to New Zealand, or goes somewhere else. She's wanted to go there as long as I've known her, and a long time before that too. I've always seen it as one of those passions God puts in someone from a super early age. Now that I really think about it, I'm not sure if there's ever been a time when we've hung out and haven't talked about New Zealand in one way or another...We've been friends for 6 years...We've talked about it a lot,
so earlier this year when she told me she was going there, I was really happy for her.

This year has seen me go through a lot of mood swings. I never thought I was the moody type, but I'm beginning to think I might be...but then again, I feel like I've been sitting around waiting for my life to start, and now I realize that that has a way of making a person a little emotionally unstable. ;)
You know how some years seem to go by really fast, while others just drag on by? Or those years that seem to do both? Yeah, this year falls into that last category for me. On the one hand, I didn't want September to come, because that meant going to New York and saying goodbye to one of my best friends.
But on the other hand, I had this strange certainty that life was going to start when I got home. While I wasn't exactly thrilled to do so, I could hear that still small voice telling me to take heart, because God was about to do something new...

It's funny how God works sometimes. How He'll lead us to places in our lives where we feel like there's no way we can make it. Where we're so consumed by our needs for tomorrow, that we can't see today. My personal favorite is when He leads you to the places you've been asking for, but as soon as he does, it's like the world starts the agonizingly slow process of caving in around you. The funny thing about caving in, is that the ground always seems to collapse everywhere except for where you're standing first, so that you can be terrified as you watch it coming for you.

There was this one night a few weeks ago in New York, I was sitting in my friends dorm room thinking about the night before we left. I had come home from work that night to find my dad waiting for me outside. That's never a good sign. He picked a fight with me as soon as I got out of the car. The conversation ended with me saying that maybe if he was really lucky, I would die in a plane crash on my way home and he would never have to deal with me again. To which he responded, "Ha, yeah if I'm lucky." I hadn't been expecting that. Though now that I think about it, I don't know why.

I had known he was going to be yelling at me when I got home that night. My mom had called to let me know pretty early on. When I was getting ready to leave work my boss said this to me, "Don't worry to much, he can't break you anymore than he already has."
I wish that was true. But even when you've stopped loving someone, they still find ways to break your heart into smaller pieces than the last time. Even when you think you've given up all hope that things could ever be different, they seem to find a way of shattering the hope you didn't know you had.

I never realized until this trip why I love playing the piano so much. Why when I go a long time without playing it, I feel like a piece of me is drying up, and I long to play it, in the hope that I can preserve that piece of me and stop it from leaving. See, it's not just that I like the piano. It's not just that it sounds incredibly beautiful with played the right way. It's that when I sit down at the piano, I can express exactly what I'm feeling without saying a word. I never realized until this trip just how much playing the piano is a form of prayer for me. A way of pouring my heart out to God when I can't find the words to say how broken and messed up I feel, and just how much I need him.

That night in New York when I was thinking about my dad, and coming home, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything was going to be okay. That God has a plan for my life and will be with me every step of the way, no matter what. It's been two weeks now, and I still can't shake it. The thing that convinces me that it's God, and that its not all in my head, is that even on bad days, days when I feel like everything is impossible, I know that it's not. I know that God has a plan, and that plan doesn't include abandoning me and leaving me to figure life out on my own.

One of my favorite things about God: He's bigger than my problems. He has a way of making everything work together for good, even when everything seems impossible.

The thing I love about his promises: They're not dependent upon my emotions. They're faithful whether I am or not, and they're there even when I can't understand why.

I feel like I've learned more in the last month than I have all year. It's funny how that happens sometimes.

I don't know what exactly God's going to be doing in my life, and I don't know how he's going to do it, but I know he's going to.

And for now, that's all I need.

This is why you're hot. part two. Victims: The Chabot-Belands

2010-11-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

It's hard to put into words just how much some people mean to you. To put into words just how much love you have for them and how much they've changed your life. But I'm going to try.

Lets start with Harmony. <3

Harmony

aka: The little sister I never had. <3 This little girl is one of Gods most precious creations. She has the sweetest smile and is perhaps the kindest little human you'll ever meet. She comes up to me and says things like, "Beckah, you're beautiful. Beckah, I love you so much. Beckah, I wish you could live with us. Beckah, remember when we had a sleepover by the Christmas tree? That was so fun, can we do that again?" She's the only 6 year old I can talk on the phone with for like 5 minutes (I realize that doesn't sound that impressive, but when you hate the phone as much as I do sometimes, talking to anyone for that long truly is an accomplishment). She's easily the sweetest little girl the world has ever known. But she's also wise beyond her years and very very perceptive. Have you ever heard a six year old say "We need to spend time with the Lord!" No? Than you haven't met Harmony, and that sucks for you.

Jude

aka: Judebug; Baby brother.
This little boy has a very special place in my heart. He is the sweetest little guy ever, not to mention unbelievably adorable. One of my favorite things in the world is when he comes up and gives me a hug and than goes back to playing with his cars. Or when I'm leaving and he runs up and tells me to be careful driving in the snow, hugs me and says "Love you" and then yells "Bye Beckah!!" Love it. I can't wait to see what he becomes as he grows up...although at the same time thinking about him growing up makes me want to weep openly...hmm..

Eli

aka: Little bro
This kid is amazing. He reads more than any other person I've ever met (Note to all of you freaks who read the entire freaking Twilight series in one week, this kids got you beat. He reads books that are far better, and bigger, in like an hour. So beat that). He loves Starwars almost as much as my six year old nephew, and could completely OWN at a spelling bee. ;) There are times where I've had to ask him how to spell things. ha.
He's always eager to try a science experiment and always believes the best in people, even when they might not deserve it. He's quick to say thank you and apologize when he's wrong. And he's more considerate and generous than most adults out there. He has his moments when he terrorizes his little brother and sister, but when it comes down to it, you couldn't ask for a better older brother. Or in my case, little brother. :)

Chris and Annie

aka: Adopted Mom and Pops. ;)
We'll start with Pops.
Chris is in Gods top ten creations. I'm sure of it. He is easily one of the most talented and genuinely kind people living today. Not to mention really funny.
But the biggest thing that has always stood out to me about him isn't that he's an amazing musician or even an extremely anointed worship leader, it's the love he has for Christ and for his family. I grew up constantly being yelled at and ordered around by my dad. He instilled in me that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough and was never going to live up to his standards. It wasn't until I was eleven or twelve, and my mom wanted to divorce him that he even started telling me that he loved me. So to see a father who wrote songs for his kids and was kind and gentle towards them even when they weren't being perfect angles, was mind blowing to me. It still is honestly. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he's famous?! Yeah thats right. In the newspaper AND on t.v. AND his Dad happens to be John Beland. Ever heard of him? It's okay if you haven't, I hadn't either until a few months ago... ;)

Now for Annie.
To quote a very incredible person,
"There are some people who come into your life, and you know they were such an unexpected gift that you totally didn't deserve at all, and you know you can never let them exit your life, or even your every day."

A few months ago when Annie told me that they would be moving to California I kind of threw a fit.

Like a really big one.

I got super angry and depressed and wouldn't talk about the subject with her for weeks. Every time the name of that place even came up I'd get all pissy and act like a spoiled 16 year old who just found out for the first time that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. It was during that time that I really started to think about why these people were so important to me. I tried sitting down and writing about it in my journal, but all I could write was "I hate California. I hate it so much. Screw California. Uhg."

Ahh...SO intelligent.

Anyways.

I felt like God was being a big fat jerk and seriously questioned his so-called "Perfect will". How could he bring such amazing people into my life and then take them away from me just like that? Didn't he have any idea what this was going to do to me? What it already was doing to me? And if he did, why didn't he care?
anyways, thats a whole different story..But the point is, this family had come to mean more to me than I ever could have imagined, and the thought of being without them was (without being too dramatic) gut wrenchingly HORRIBLE.

So, now is the part of the story where I tell you why.

Never before have I had a friend who has cared more about, and for me. Never have I had a friend who encourages me more and always reminds me how special I am. Never before have I had a friend who can read me so well. And never have I had such an insanely open invitation for breakfast, lunch and dinner, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If it wasn't for Annie I don't know where, or who I would be right now. I know without a doubt that if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have the relationship that I do with Christ. And for that, more than anything else, I owe her a great deal of love, respect, and gratitude. I've never felt so unconditionally loved by anyone else in this world. I can't even put into words how insanely blessed I am to have someone in my life who is older and much wiser than me, that I can talk to and ask questions and share my fears and doubts with who always prays for me and points me back to Christ and his love and grace. To have someone who genuinely believes that God has an incredible plan for my life and constantly encourages me to seek and trust in him. Not everyone has that. To say that I feel extremely blessed, is an understatement.

Chabot-Belands, I love you all more than words can say. Thank you for making room for me in your lives, I really can't tell you how honored I feel. <3

The things you don't want to hear

2010-11-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

I was asked the other day to look back over this last year and find something that I learned and share it with a group of people that, in all honesty I don't really know that well. At first I thought I might be able to make something up. Maybe try and come up with something deep and profound that would sound really good to everyone. But when I actually started to look at what I'd learned this year, it wasn't what I'd hoped I'd find. It wasn't deep and profound. It wasn't encouraging by any means. Instead, what I found was that more than anything else, I had learn a lot about myself this year.

And I can't say that I like what I saw.

As I thought about this last year and what I've filled it with, I realized something:
I'm terrified of being a disappointment.
I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect for those around me, and what the hell for?

I think for a while I had subconsciously convinced myself that if I was the best possible version of myself that I could be, than I would have left an unforgettable impression in the lives of those around me. And that if I succeeded in being that amazing person one hundred percent of the time, then maybe people wouldn't see my faults and insecurities.

Funny huh? I'm not really sure how or when I managed to convince myself of such an absurd impossibility...all I know is that it's one of the more foolish things I've done so far in my life.

But what I've learned from it is this:
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be the best you can be, because I do want to strive to be worthy of Gods call on my life. But if I'm striving to be perfect for other people, it's all in vain. What matters is the heart behind our actions. If our motives are clouded, then won't our actions be clouded as well? I don'know. All I'm sure of is that I'm already good enough in Gods eyes. He loves me just the way I am, so I don't Need to strive for him to be happy with me. I don't need to strive so that he won't forget me.

While it's because of this great love and acceptance that I continually do strive to be what God has called me to be, it's never because I feel like he's going to be disappointed in me if I make a mistake. It's never because I fear that he's going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not good enough for him to love after all. It's because I know that my salvation has already been paid for. That theres absolutely nothing I can do to be better then how He already sees me.

Because I can't beat perfect.

This is why you're hot...

2010-11-07T15:07:00.000-08:00

Soo...this is the first installment in a series I'm calling "This is why you're hot"
Over the next few weeks (or months), I'm going to be writing a few posts about some of the people who have impacted my life, and what I love about them.

So here goes...

LeeAnne

I don't think I laugh more with any other person. You've shown me that it's good to be passionate about the things that interest you, whether other people are supportive of those passions or not. And that it's okay to have fun doing random and occasionally really dumb things. Even if my brother thinks its stupid. ;) I can always count on you for an adventure. Whether it's walking the butte and finding random middle schoolers getting it on in the bathrooms, or saving the world from zombies and then looking out the window to find the swat-team in your front yard, we always have a good time. You're the only person I'll let take my picture because you're the only one I trust not to post the ones I don't like on facebook. ;)

I love how we can talk about how stupid we think women are while listening to Demon Hunter and playing xbox and then turn around and talk about Twilight and how beautiful Robert Pattinson is. ;D

But I think the thing I love most is this: That we don't have to spend every minute of everyday talking about how much we love each other in order to know that we do.
That even if we end up on opposite ends of the earth someday, that I know without a doubt that you won't forget about me. That someday 20 or 30 years from now, when I introduce you to someone I can say, "We've been friends since highschool."
That might sound really weird, but I'm excited for that day because you were the one who showed me that people actually can stay good friends for more then just a year or two.

But...there's one more thing that I love..maybe even more then those things above.
I love that because we have a relationship that mostly consists of 'giggle fits' and sarcasm, when we take the time to have real conversations about life and find out how we're each doing, the things that come out of those times mean a lot more to me then most, and I usually end up learning things about myself that I didn't know before.

Even though we're both growing and changing into the people we're going to be, I know that we'll come out on the other side still the same goods friends that we are today. Still laughing about stupid inappropriate things that only 14 year old boys laugh at, and still not being what most people would consider your normal girl. ;)

I'm glad we're friends dude. I really really am.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for sticking with me the last few months. I know we haven't gotten to see each other and hangout as much as usual, so thank you for not acting like a stupid hoe and being all emotional and thinking that I've replaced you.

So yeah, this is why you're hot. ;)

I love you to death. <3

Snow

2010-10-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

I think there are certain things in every person’s life that instantly make them feel hopeless when thought about or seen. For me, one of those things is snow. Every time I look out the window and see it gathering in its clean white blanket of death, I feel utterly hopeless.
I’ve never been very fond of the snow to begin with, but driving in it really freaks me out, especially now that the tires on my car are completely bald.
It wasn’t safe for me to be driving on them at this time last year, and now it’s (in the least dramatic way possible,) a death trap. Towards the end of summer I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to get new tires at all, but my amazing mother made my dad buy some for me. Now all I have to do is find a way to get thru this next week without driving my car until my mom makes my dad put the tires on my car…We’ll see if I survive.

It is interesting to me though, that my mom had to make my dad buy me new tires. And that she will have to make him put them on for me. I know that my dad loves me…in some way…but I’ve never understood his way of showing it.
To him, it should have been obvious that he loved us because he went to work every day. “I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!” is what he always used to yell at us. I never remember hearing that and thinking that my dad loved me. He always made it sound like, “If it wasn’t for you my life would be so much better.”

Looking back, I’ve never known without a doubt that my dad loves me, or would do anything for me. I can’t say that my dad would do everything within his power to make sure that I was safe, or that he would even lift a finger to help me for that matter. If it made him look good in front of other people, he might consider it…but bottom line, I’m not worth it to him, I never have been, and honestly, I might never be. And that’s okay with me....I think.

What bothers me the most is this: People thinking that because they’ve done something kind for the people around them that that proves their undying love for them and no continued action or affection is necessary.
To me love is a commitment that requires more of you than is comfortable to give at times. It requires dropping more of your pride then you would like. It requires some form of continued action other than going to work every day. I don’t know, I could totally be wrong…It just seems like my dad would be going to work every day even if I didn’t exist…so for him to say that’s his way of showing love toward me just doesn’t seem….I don’t know…real enough…

Just so we're all clear...

2010-09-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

Becoming an intern will most definitely show you things about yourself that you do not want to see. It will show you the pride, arrogance, and malice that are lurking in your own heart. In a way, it will show you who you really are...Or at least who you would be without Christ. I think we all have this idea that other people perceive us the same way we perceive ourselves. I think most of us would say that we are pretty nice or at least somewhat decent people. That we’re patient, loving, kind, generous, ect. ect. I think we would like to say that we are those things…at least to some extent. But what would those who are closest to you say? Because you see, I could give you a long list of things I’d like to be, but an even longer list of things that I would love not to be, but am. And I think if someone were to ask the people who see me the most to look at these two lists and check all the things that apply, more of the things on that longer list would be circled then would be on the shorter one. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not feeling badly about myself in this post, I’m just trying to be honest in my evaluation of myself. We all have things we need to work on, and for me those things seem to be everything. And to be honest, I’m excited to be working on them. While it’s nowhere near close to being an enjoyable experience, I’m looking forward to the day when something unbelievably frustrating happens, and I don’t get really pissed. ha.

Sorry...I couldn't help myself. I searched "inspiring pictures" and this is what came up....hahaha

.....

2010-09-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

Stupid freaking California.

I've become quiet...

2010-09-06T14:23:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure when this happened.

I realized the other night though, that I don't talk very much anymore. It used to be that whenever something interesting happened to me I couldn't wait to tell my friends and family. But now there are a lot of things that go unsaid simply because I've lost the desire to share them. It's not that I don't talk to anyone ( I think I still do a great deal of talking if I'm around someone long enough.), I just feel like I don't have anything interesting to say anymore. Not that I really ever did come to think of it...I just don't really have much to say to anyone anymore it feels like. Even people I don't get to talk to very often. I see them or talk to them on the phone and I find myself not knowing what to say. It's as if I've convinced myself that no one cares about the little things I have to say. Either that or I just don't care to tell them. And it's not because I don't want them to know whats going on in my life, its simply because I feel like I don't have the energy to tell them. I realized this the other night when my mom was talking to me. She would pause and wait for me to say something, but I never had anything to offer the conversation. I feel like my brain just shuts itself off. It's as if it gets tired of thinking and formulating sentences so it just stops whenever it feels like it and I'm left with a completely blank and useless brain. It might as well not even be up there if that's how it's going to act.
But seriously, how sad is that? I can't even have a normal conversation with my own mother because I can't think of a single thing to say. I'm over it. I'm ready to be able to form somewhat intelligent thoughts. It's either that or act like a 4 year old and start repeating other people when I don't know what to say to them.....I can't wait to see which one I choose.

I don't even know where to begin...

2010-05-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

So I might as well start from the beginning.

5 and a half years ago, my brother and I went to a church called Oasis for the first time. On the way there I remember both of us saying that for the first time in our lives we were actually excited to be going to church. I remember listening to the pastor thinking "where did this guy come from? I've never heard this stuff before." For the first time in my life, I felt something inside of me stir, and the two and a half years that followed, I felt my spirit come to life. I realized what it meant to follow Christ. That he wasn't just some guy that died on a cross for his friends 2,000 years ago; He's God, He's my Father, He loves me more then anyone else ever has and ever will, and He is to be Honored. I could go on and on telling you all the things I learned sitting in that church for the two, very short, and precious years that I did, but that would make for a ridiculously long blog.

Fast forward to Sunday March 4th 2007. That Sunday was different. For the fist time in two and a half years I didn't feel challenged or convicted. I sat there wondering if it was something I was doing wrong. Was I not listening? Was I off in another world somewhere? But when church was drawing to an end, the pastor praying and the worship team quietly playing in the background, I saw something I'd never seen before. I saw my pastor fall to his knees, and felt something in me become tense. I realized later that that tension was like a buzzer sounding off to warn me that something terribly wrong was about to happen.
Two day's later I was told what is possibly the hardest news I've ever heard. I was told that my pastor had confessed to his wife that he had been unfaithful to her.

I hardly spoke for two days. I went right to my room and put on one of the sermons he had taught, and I prayed it wasn't true. I begged God to tell me it wasn't true. For the first time in my life I can say I was truly heartbroken. I felt like something inside of me had been ripped out. Ripped out with so much force, that I didn't know how I would be able to go on.
The next night I went to my youth group in the hopes of being able to cry with and lean on the rest of my church family, who would no doubt be just as heartbroken as me. But I couldn't find one person who looked even the slightest bit shaken. I was so confused. Didn't they care? Hadn't they heard? Were the leaders going to tell us that night? What was going to happen? I sat in small group very quietly. Just waiting for some sign that I wasn't the only broken person sitting there. It wasn't until we did prayer requests that I found someone who shared in my pain. When my small group leader was asked what her prayer request was, she answered: "I'm heartbroken. My whole world has been turned upside down this week." My feelings exactly. When I got home that night, I went to the salsa kitchen to be alone. I fell against the door and slid to the floor and wept. All I could do was ask God why. I must have asked a hundred times. When I was finally able to wipe the tears from my eyes and look up, I was given the answer to my question. I looked up to find the name of the company that made the 100 gallon bowl that we used for making salsa welded to the side of the bowl that I was facing. The name of the company is Groen.

Growing. That was the answer I was given. The pain and heartache was so I could grow. It was so God could bring me closer to himself. And with that, I was okay...more or less. It wasn't that the hole that had been ripped through me was any smaller; it wasn't that my heart was any less broken. It was that I knew God was still there. It was that I knew he hadn't abandoned me.

When I walked into church that Sunday I looked for my pastor...but I never found him. I wanted so badly to find him and tell him how sorry I was. To tell him that I had forgiven him the very instant I'd heard what happened. To give him a hug and tell him how much I loved him. But he was nowhere to be found. I was never given the chance to say those things to him. Due to the way him and his family were pushed out of town and not aloud to come speak with all of us, I didn't get to say goodbye. That hurt. And for three years I've hated going to church. I've sat and listened, and never been told anything new. Never been challenged. For three years I've felt homeless. And more then anything else, I've missed my church and my pastor so desperately.

Fast forward 3 years to May 7th 2010.
I finally got to see my pastor and his family again. I got to hug them and tell them how much I've missed them. How much I love them. I got to tell my old pastor that I forgave him, that I had never been angry with him for even a second. I can't express how awesome and yet heart wrenching it was to look across the room and see him and his Amazing wife standing there. It was awesome because I was seeing and talking with them for the first time in such a long time, and heart wrenching because all I wanted to do was find some way to go back in time. All I wanted was to find some way to bring them back, to have him be my pastor again, to have Oasis back. And knowing that I can't....is almost to much to bare.

To be honest, I didn't know how much it was going to hurt to see them again. I didn't realize that it was going to force me to realize how much I've missed them. Not that I'd forgotten, but I'd developed a nice shell of numbness. I'd gotten pretty good at pushing the pain of missing them, as far away from me as I could. I'd gotten pretty good at ignoring the heartache that is still very much alive and well. And now it's as if the scab has been ripped off.

But even though it hurt to have that scab ripped away, I got to see my pastor again. And words cannot express how much joy that gives me. I can't even believe how blessed I am to have been able to spend some time last night and some of today with him and his family. I was shocked to find out that they actually remembered me. ME of all people. I can't explain what a blessing this weekend has been. They even gave me and LeeAnne their address and phone numbers and sincerely invited us to come visit them at anytime. I wish I could explain how truly amazing they are. I wish I could explain how much I love them. But I don't think I could do it justice.

I'm getting better at this whole listening thing....I think

2010-03-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

My sister in-law told me something today that really made me kind of upset. Not because she said anything wrong, but because what she said was exactly right, and I didn't want to hear it. I didn't throw a fit or anything immature, ;) but when our conversation ended, I knew she had told me something about myself that was true, and that I'm going to have to change. And that wasn't exactly.....fun.

We were talking about the relationship I have with my dad, and I told her that it's not my responsibility to show my dad what it looks like to be respectful. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's not my responsibility to respect my dad. I'm saying that it was his job to treat his family and those around him with respect, so that in return, we (his children) would know what it looked like to respect others, and in doing so, he would not only earn our respect, but show us what it looked like to respect him. Does that make sense? When you're a six year old little girl being screamed and cussed at by your father about how you don't respect him enough, call me crazy, but that doesn't naturally evoke in me, a desire to respect him. Nor does it show me how to. All that does is show me how undeserving that person is of anyone's respect. Maybe that's harsh...And maybe it's not true, but either way, that's how I've always felt.
Anyways, back to our conversation. I told her how I felt about the matter of respecting him, and about my "six years old being screamed at by my father experience", and you know what she told me?

She told me, "That might fly when your six, but you're almost 18 now, and God has shown you what it looks like to respect others. Now it's your job to do so, weather or not your dad ever taught you. It's your job to be who God has called you to be, and that means showing your dad respect, whether or not he does the same for you in return."

F. She's right. I hate that.

But in all honesty, I'm so glad she had the guts to tell me that. After thinking about all of this today I came to the realization of just how blessed I am to have a few people in my life that aren't afraid to give me constructive criticism. Turns out it can be a good thing. Who knew, right?! ;)

Don't get me wrong though--There's definitely a BIG difference between constructive criticism, and just trying to get your own selfish point across during those moments where you think you know everything. And I'm definitely guilty of the second one.

I read something today that I thought was really cool. It was said in a very different context then how I read it, but I think it's true non the less.

"Life, and the perception we have of it, changes quickly."

Yep. Good day.

2010-01-07T21:28:00.001-08:00

I actually got my room clean today. I'm not gonna lie, I think it's been a few months since it was last clean.....how embarrassing. And here is the finished product:

Yes. Those are chuck Norris posters. Don't hate me cuz I'm awesome. ;)

The desk area (that never gets used).

Where all The Office watching goes down. ;)

And the amazing nightstand.

Well, there you have it. My room. Very blue. With a lot of converse.
Now I'm off to go wash all the dust that's giving me a headache down the drain.

today

2010-01-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

I plan on cleaning my room. Or at the very least being able to see my floor.

We'll see.....

growing up

2010-01-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

Life. It can be tiresome. Painful; wonderful; and terrifying all at the same time. I've been thinking the last few days, I'm getting close to my 18th birthday, and I feel like instead of actually growing in maturity this last year, that I've digressed. I don't feel like I'm ready to be an "adult". If that's what you would call an 18 year old. I feel more like a kid then I have in a long time. Not in a fun exciting way either. In a "I feel lost and don't think I'm ready for anymore responsibility" kind of way. I feel very immature for not wanting to find a job; for not wanting to study to retake my math test; just all around not wanting to do anything I don't really want to do. But at the same time, I really do want to do these things. I want a good job; I want to know how to do at the very least, some basic math; and I really want to study for a job in the medical field. I'm just ridiculously lazy. And scared of failure. But more then any of that, more then any of my fears, I want to be taken seriously. I want to feel like I'm moving forward. I really really want to feel, and BE responsible.

I saw some friends of mine last night who I haven't seen in a year or so because they've been away at college. I found myself feeling very small and unaccomplished as they were asked what they were doing with themselves and they actually had an answer. And then there was me: "Um...well I just graduated a little while ago (not mentioning that I FAILED the math on the GED and will have to take it again soon), and now I'm looking for a job...oh, no I'm not going up to the college just yet..."
I couldn't help but feel somewhat pathetic standing next to this girl who's 20 and almost done with 4 years of college in Portland.

Now, this is the part where I reassure you that I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not depressed by these things, and I know that I'm only 17 and this is all a normal part of life. :) I just wanted to write some of this down and kind of get my thoughts together. And Annie requested a new blog post. ;) Happy New Year guys!

Loudness. Vodka. More loudness. And then more Vodka.

2009-12-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a 6"5 overweight sleazeball, that nobody in the family likes, downing a half a bottle of vodka almost all by himself. I'm not going anywhere with this, I just thought it would be an intriguing opening. ;)

Well, this Christmas has been....okay. The drive down was uneventful. I managed to go an average speed of 65 the whole way. Till we got to Idaho that is. I could have been going 80, but of course mom had to be....well, mom, and I was ordered to keep it at 65 due to the studded tires (not that I obeyed that order though....heh..). Last night and most of today has been somewhat depressing. Both have been filled with trying not to think about this being the first of what I'm sure will be many Christmas's spent without my brother. And then there's the periodic moan from mom about missing him, and asking every time my phone goes off "Is that Ben??". Overall though, once the annoying loud family left, the rest of the day has been rather pleasant. My constant companions being my ipod; phone; and...a book I started reading last night. I've never read so much in my life. Of course, I haven't had this much time on my hands in a long time.

I've always liked the idea of reading. Getting wrapped up in some other reality and for a few moments, forgetting about your own. I think I've read 150 pages or so in the last 24 hours. Most of that being in the last 10 hours. Needless to say, its been ridiculously boring so far. But I'm determined to not be a pain in the a** and ruin my mom's stay with a bad attitude. But, oddly enough, it hasn't been that hard to be in at least, a somewhat good mood. Not cheery, but not really unhappy either. I must be maturing. Either that, or too apathetic to be unhappy about anything. I'm not sure which. I have a feeling its a mix though.

Tomorrow the women (which apparently includes me) are going shopping in Boise for my cousins birthday on Sunday. Oi. I forgot about Sunday. Another party with the loud vodka drinker and his impossible wife and son. At least that's still two days away.

Well, time to go. It's after 10 now here in I da ho. Which means its after 9 in bend. Which means I now have free minutes on my cell phone. Merry Christmas Blog. You've been good to me this year.

on to happier things

2009-12-17T22:12:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago I stayed the night at my friend Annas house. In the morning I got up about 45 minutes before she did and I laid awake thinking about some of the people in my life. I know a lot of good people. Sweet, kind, generous people. As I thought about them, I expressed my desire to be more like them, to God. I thought, "I'd like to be a sweet person. I don't think that would be a word anyone would use to describe me...other good things possibly, but not sweet. (now don't get me wrong, I don't mean sweet in a "Oh she's just the sweetest thing" kind of way. Just in the way that I'd like my demeanor and immediate reactions to things to be more kind and loving. I'd like to be more approachable I guess would be a good way of putting it. I didn't have to explain all this to God of course. He knew what I meant. That's one of the reasons why I like him so much. ;) After I expressed these things, the verse that says "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" so gracefully and lovingly came to mind. It was as if He was saying, "If you want to be better at these things, fill your heart with me. I'd love to help you."

Needless to say, the rest of that day was great. :) It was the second time in my life where I felt, and could clearly identify the presence of Christ' joy in my little heart....hahaha! I don't think I could have made that ANY cheesier. Mission accomplished! ;)

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the first time I ever really felt that joy, had a little something to do with these people. :)

I really shouldn't blog this late...

2009-12-12T00:38:00.000-08:00

I'm selfish. I spend a great deal more time thinking about myself then I should. Now I know that thinking about myself, and never putting others before me, are two completely different things, but I still feel like a very selfish human being.
I don't want things to change. I don't want people to leave. I don't want my relationships to change (some of them that is). I don't want to loose the comfort and closeness I have with some. The selfish part of me doesn't really want what's best for my friends and family if it doesn't include me in it. Sometimes I think its rather cruel that people have their own lives and I'm not always going to be in them. haha. Pathetic huh? Of course, your not going to agree with me. Or at least your not going to say it if you do.

I feel like I'm wandering. Not really doing anything that will last. I don't have school, or a job. And to be honest, I really have lost all motivation to have either one. I guess it's true...I'm lazy. Not something I want to be. Somehow it just happened and I'm not sure how or why. I feel like I'm letting a few people in my life down by being this way. And I know their probably disappointed in me. I just don't know how to fix it. Almost everything I've learned in my life I had to teach myself. When I've asked for help I've been told no...one way or another. And when I get a yes, not much ever comes from it. It was like that with school, it's like that with looking for a job. If I don't do good enough I get treated like I've just failed at life and I should have known better.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to fix my lack of motivation. I'm not happy with life at the moment....I mean, most of it is great. It's just that amount that seemed so small at first, has gotten a lot bigger then I hoped it would..and I don't see it getting smaller any time soon. I know the answer to all this is to give it over to Christ...I just don't want to. I'm tired of asking for help and never seeing any good come of it. Which proves to me, that I am indeed blind.

Of course, all of this could just be because it's almost 1 in the morning.....I really can't be sure.

my big bro

2009-11-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

I love my big brother. He's the only person who's always been there for me. He's always taken care of me, been my shoulder to cry on, given me advice, and always told me that everything will be okay. He's also one of the only people I know who doesn't talk unless he has something useful to say. I'm not one of those people. Working on it though. ha. ;) I look up to him more then anyone else. If there's one thing I'm grateful for in the midst of all the craziness in my family, its the relationship its given me with my brother.

And who knows, maybe after he gets married and all, I'll get to see him sometimes. ;)

waaaay back in the day

2009-11-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

I miss this

2009-11-26T00:42:00.000-08:00

the grammar in this post is disgusting

2009-11-23T22:44:00.001-08:00

So I had to approach my dad about my car last night. I walked in the house, put my backpack in my room, walked out to the living room where he was and said, "Hey dad, do you think you could have your mechanic friend look at my car? My check engine light came on and my breaks are getting pretty bad." To which his response was to stare at me for what felt like forever, and then say, "My heart asks the question why would I do that for you?"

I couldn't believe it. I knew he was going to give me a bunch of crap and really rub it in that I was having to ask him for something, but I didn't expect that. He proceeded to lecture me for a while, and then ended with "I just want you to know I love you."

Yeah dad, sure you do.

Today as I was driving I started thinking about how long I've been asking God to change the relationships in my family. Its been a long time. Nothing has ever changed. Year after year the same old hurts, anger, and bitterness just grow deeper. My thought right after this, was that every day that goes by where God doesn't appear to do anything to answer me, I start to feel more and more suffocated. Like something is trying to get out, and the longer its forced to stay inside, the more it zaps my ability to get any air.

So having all of this on my mind today, I sat down at the piano at my teachers house (I went over to practice a duet we were going to be playing for group lesson) and started playing. When Jenny (my amazing teacher :) heard what I was playing she asked what is was, and to make a long story a little bit shorter, I ended up playing it for the rest of the students and they were to tell everyone what the song made them think of. Some of the things said really caught my attention:
Sadness. Mournful. Gray. Being deep under water. And, having to hold your breath.

Does that last one sound familiar? It was crazy. These little kids heard, and told me exactly what was going on in my heart without them even knowing it.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think my dad is ever going to change. And it's not that I don't believe God could fix the whole situation. I think its just that I've slowly given up on hoping that he will...

I suck at titles

2009-11-17T21:34:00.000-08:00

"I wonder what my story is going to be...I seem to have a problem trusting God....I felt my heart sink. "what if?" I wondered. And over the next couple of days it was as if I could feel myself loosing heart. It happened so fast. I felt like somehow God had failed me. How ridiculous and selfish my heart is. I feel crippled by fear. Looking back, I realize I never really received much comfort from anyone when I was little. Rather, "The worlds going to hell in a hand basket" and "We're gonna end up on the street" And my personal favorite, "All the medication your mother takes is gonna kill her someday". I could never run to my dad for comfort. Ever. I don't have even one memory of my dad ever saying anything of comfort to me. I think that created a big void in me. One that I've only recently learned that I can depend on my heavenly Father to fill. But now I fear I've focused on that one aspect of who Christ is, to heavily. Now to even think about him letting me go through trials terrifies me. I don't even know....Please be by my side Father. Please let me stand behind you when I'm weak. Please restore me heart."

So all of this is from a journal entry I found from a while back. Apparently I wrote it. I mean, it's from my journal, it's my handwriting, I just have absolutely no memory of writing it. Some of these things don't even sound like me. I mean, there things I feel, but I wouldn't normally write them out for fear of sounding like a moron (and now I'm posting it on the Internet...makes perfect sense..). Have you ever done that? Written something and then found it later and can't for the life of you remember writing it? Its so odd. Anyways....now that I've posted more of my retardation for the world to see, I think I'll go to bed.

why do I always blog at night?

2009-11-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Well, just in case you would like to know, my friend Annie gave me some alka seltzer today, and it worked beautifully. ;)

Anyhoots. The past two days have been lovely (yes, I just said lovely). Last night was so wonderful. I forget how much I love hanging out at the Mays house. Anna and I just sat in her room most of the night, but it was so nice. :) I made her listen to this really cool Super Mario jazz theme over and over again, we talked, I read a little bit ( a very little bit), she crocheted, we laughed. It was a good time. It always kind of makes me laugh that Anna and I ended up such good friends. We're so different in almost every way, but somehow we find things to talk about and we always enjoy each others company. And she's the absolute BEST person to housesit with. Hands down. :) And no one else appreciates Wallace & Gromit as much as we do. ;) So that was last night, and it was amazing.

Today, I went over to my friends Annie And Chris's house. Annie and I played wii and she let me listen to a copy of Chris's new CD (you should all buy his CD when it comes out, its quite possibly the best thing ever:). I can't really explain, but it was just a really nice time. :) You know those moments when your perfectly content to be exactly where you are, doing exactly what your doing? That was today from the hours of 3:00 to 5:35. It's a comforting feeling knowing that no matter what, I'm always welcome there. It's not really a feeling I've ever had before. I know there are places that I'm welcome, but there's something different about Chris and Annie's. It would take me a long time to write out all the reasons I'm so grateful for meeting this family, and maybe someday that blog will appear, but for now this will be okay. <3

alka seltzer is a beautiful thing

2009-11-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

Yes, thats right. A BEAUTIFUL thing. I can honestly say its one of my greatest friends. Usually. There is that rare occasion (I seriously could not for the life of me remember how to spell that word for the last 2 minutes. anyway..) where it doesn't exactly do its job, and fails me. But more often then not, its there for me. Wow, its late. I should go to bed and stop this nonsense. Aren't you glad you stopped by?? ;)

a great inspirational title that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

2009-11-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

I feel inspired to write something. Though, I have no idea what to write.
hmm..Today has been a good day. In spite of my bad mood. You know those days when your not necessarily in a bad mood, but your not really in a good mood either? Yep, today was that day. I woke up at 11:15. I was pissed. Then I had a less then pleasant conversation with someone over the phone. But, the strange thing was, these things didn't really upset me, they just kind of set my day off the wrong way. I felt as though my tone was just a tad off all day. I don't care for that feeling very much. Luckily though, I have good friends who put up with me. And make me dinner, play wii with me, and just let me be in my off mood without being offended. I'm so grateful for that. It's nice being aloud to have an off day every once in awhile (hopefully its only every once in awhile anyway. I always wonder if the way I perceive myself and the way others perceive me is totally different). I don't really have a good ending for this story. Nothing that will tie everything together and make you feel like you just spent the last two minutes of your life reading a good quality blog. But hey, that's okay with me.

hmm

2009-11-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

I should follow up that last post with the conclusion to the story...but I don't have time at the moment. But its turning out well so far. ;)

time changes everything

2009-10-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

How do you forgive someone who doesn't know they've hurt you? How do you move on from a place that has more or less been your home for years? A place that gave you irreplaceable friendships, many fond memory's, and through experience, taught you how to love others even when you don't agree with them.

The last few days have been full of questions like these. It's a hard thing to go through when you believe your doing the right thing, and are made the butt of a joke for doing so. Especially by those you trusted. I know my time at youth group hasn't been a waste. If for no other reason, because I've met some very amazing people, who are now some of my closest friends. I don't know what good I accomplished while being there. Having been mocked by the leaders for trying to do the right thing makes me wonder if I made a difference there at all. If my time and commitment meant anything. If it didn't, that's okay.

I really didn't want my time there to end this way. I didn't want to be another person who was hurt, and then left because of it. But I can't keep going and pretend that everything is okay. And I can't confront the issue without eventually being mocked for it. Maybe I'm being unfair and pathetic, but I'm aloud to be every once in a while....right?

Part of me hopes that they'll miss me. That it will matter just a little bit that I'm gone. But the rest of me knows it won't. The world keeps spinning. Life goes on.

favorite song right now

2009-10-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

I think I like getting up before the sun comes up...sometimes

2009-09-24T10:19:00.001-07:00

This morning I went with some friends to the Redmond airport to see them off and drive their car home for them. I had to be to their house at 5:30am, we got to the airport at 6:00, and I was back to their house by 6:30. It was the nicest drive back to their house with the heated seats and amazing speakers with some really nice music by this band called "The Weepies" (you should look them up. :). Early in the morning is one of my favorite times to drive. There's not a whole lot of traffic (which means the traffic lights actually work like there supposed to ;), its still dark outside, and I get to where my jacket. :) I should get up this early more often. Not to often though.... ;)

a blog I wrote a long time ago but never posted...

2009-03-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

"I am scared
I'm afraid
Mercy me
With Your grace
My heart said in brokenness
I want to see Your face
Don't You hide
Don't You leave
Don't You turn
Away from me

‘Cause if You go I'll be forsaken
Who will be my souls salvation

Lord, hear my cry, hear my heart
Here I come to where You are
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me
Lord, though I'm weak, You are strong
So I'll go back where I belong
And You'll be there for me
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me

Answer me
In my place
You told me
To seek Your face
My heart spoke with heaviness
Your face I will seek
Don't give up
Don't forget
Remember me
I won't quit
What good am I if I'm not taken
And who am I without salvation

Lord, hear my cry, hear my heart
Here I come to where You are
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me
Lord, though I'm weak, You are strong
So I'll go back where I belong
And You'll be there for me
I'll be there for You
You'll be there for me"

These are the lyrics to a song by Above The Golden State called "Scared"
It's a pretty awesome song. I don't know about you, but its such a familiar prayer for me. Not word for word of course, but the feeling of failure and worry of the consequences that you fear will inevitably follow, is something I'm familiar with. But I realize more and more that its in those times when you can really feel Gods love. Its in those times that you become truly thankful that Christ paid the ultimate price for your sin. Its mind blowing. I think of all the mistakes I make and all the times where, knowing full well that what I was doing was wrong, I did it anyway. I always think of this quote when I fall short: "When you flee temptation, don't leave a forwarding address." How often do we give into temptation and then swear that we'll never do it again only to put ourselves right back in the same situation that got us there in the first place? It's funny how when we want to do something sinful we'll forsake all knowledge of it being wrong, and not take the exits God says he provides. We somehow convince ourselves that it's not sin, or "God made me this way", or something equally ridiculous. Who knows...Human nature is a funny thing.

adventure....ish

2009-03-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I went to a bible study in Powell Butte that my sister in-law had invited me to. Well, since I live about a half hour away I had to get up a bit early, and because of this, I wanted a coffee. So here was my logic: I figured that if I got up at 7:20 and left at 8:00 I could have some breakfast before I left. And seeing as Powell Butte doesn't have a dutch bros. Or any other form of coffee place for that matter, I knew that I would need to go to town for the coffee. So, I thought that if I left at 8 it would take me about 20 or 30 minutes to get to town, get the coffee, and get back to powell butte highway. Well, I left a tad early for whatever reason and by 8:07 I had gotten my coffee and was on my way back to the highway. By 8:15 I was passing the turn off to my house and I thought, "I should just go home and wait the extra 15 minutes that I have instead of just driving out there right now". Well I didn't do that. So, By 8:30 I was almost to the church, (45 minutes early) so I thought I would just go explore some of the roads I had never been on. This is what I found:

These baby cows were just chilling outside the fence..one of them coughed at me...I didn't even know cows could cough. ha. ;)

So yes, That was my Wednesday morning adventure. Exciting eh?
wow, I just wrote a really long blog about almost nothing...and put pictures of cows in it....thats so retarded.

=)

2009-03-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

I thought this picture was kinda cool....Anna gave me the England sticker to put on my car, but I haven't done it yet...Maybe this summer? :) And then you have my nice messy bed in the background.

Aliens!!!

2009-02-25T15:30:00.000-08:00

I found these old twenty five cent machine aliens the other night that I use to collect when I was little. haha. Those were the days. ;)

Spring cleaning!....not really...no but seriously, kinda.

2009-02-25T15:17:00.000-08:00

I decided to finally clean up the laundry room yesterday. I think it turned out ok. :) I really want to paint it though....oh well.

My day :)

2009-02-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

What a retched time off the morning o be getting up at. I don't mind getting up early in the summer time, but in the winter, it should be against the law or something.....

Coffee at 7:15 with my youth leader Audrey (not pictured haha).

Then off to the library! I was parked there for more then two hours....

The "Teen Zone" haha

Writing down some bible verses to hang on my wall. :D

Some cd's I got from the library :)

then finally movie night with the Mays. :)

Airport.....ness ;)

2009-02-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

Ben left for England today! I got to take him to the airport. :D And we had breakfast with one of his roommates and Lesa before we went to the airport. It was pretty fun. :D I got one picture in before he had to check in and have his things searched. haha. Its a pretty good one I think.....aside from me that is. ;)

Driving :D

2009-02-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

I love driving in the warm weather. :) And plus, I thought this was a cool picture. ;)

Ice cream!

2009-02-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

This was some ice cream that a friend of mine had on super-bowl sunday that I thought was pretty cool looking. :)

Flying with Ben :D

2009-02-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

Ben took me flying last week and it was awesome!! It was so cool seeing all the things that he's been learning the last few months. :) When we were getting ready to take off I heard my friend Ellie on the radio too. haha. She was coming into land a helicopter. It was really cool. :) After we landed we went to Subway and then I had to rush down to Prinville to watch my nephews while by oldest brother was at his doctor appointment. It would have been really cool to have been able to stay and have lunch with Ben but, duty called. ;)

blahhh

2009-01-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

I haven't been very good about keeping this thing up to date lately. :\ my bad. I hope to change that very soon though. There are lots of pictures that I would like to blog but sadly they are on my mom's laptop and I'm not sure how to get them onto the mac. :\ I hope to find a way though! At the moment I'm in Prineville watching my two nephews while my sister in law is at a movie with her mom and friend. :) It's been a real blessing being able to come and watch the boys because I really really have been needing the money! The best part though is being able to watch them grow up. :) Peter is learning how to talk and he's so cute. Sam is one of the sweetest little boys to have ever lived and he constantly is saying, "pack pack, (that's what he calls me because he can't really say his b's very well) your my favorite." Its awesome to hear. :) Their watching Bee Movie at the moment. I hated that movie the first time I saw it, and then I watched it with them and I actually liked it. ha. Funny how that works. I apologize if this is horribly spelled, I have a cold and I'm struggling to stay awake at the moment. I just thought I would write a little bit while I had some free time. :) I'll be house sitting again for 11 days and have a feeling I'll have quite a bit of time to blog out there. :) If she doesn't lock her computer that is. ;)

Studying

2008-11-23T16:18:00.001-08:00

These are some pics I took a while back while I was "studying" ;) Obviously, it lost my interest so I took these. haha

Tagged by thoughts and daydreams :)

2008-11-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1. Read all the Narnia books.
2. Write a song that makes people cry. ;)
3. Travel somewhere amazing.
4. Live out my mission statement
5. Live in such a way that I'll be missed when I'm gone.
6. Be a good friend
7. Lead someone to Christ.

7 things I can do:
1. DANCE! ;D
2. play guitar
3. play piano
4. drive a stick!
5. make salsa ;)
6. play guitar hero :D
7. be online waaay to much

7 Things I cannot do:
1. DANCE! ;D
2. read through an entire book in one day
3. eat lima beans
4. sing
5. build something out of wood....or anything else for that matter.
6. read music well.
7. talk for long periods of time without getting a sore throat.

7 things I would have on a deserted island:
1. My Bible
2. A time machine ;)
3. ipod :)
4. A dog
5. A friend
6. my guitar
7. My pillow

7 things I say most often:
1. F! haha ;)
2. Awesome!
3. Suck!
4. Really?
5. thats cool
6. your amazing.
7. Dude!

7 celebs I admire:
1. ?
2.?
3. ?
4.?
5.?
6.?
7. ?

7 Favorite food:
1. Pasta
2. Chicken curry
3. Anything from Red Robyn
4. Ben's rice concoction :D
5. Pizza!
6. Sub sandwiches
7. taco bell :)

Funny Pictures

2008-11-16T17:40:00.000-08:00

As I was surfing myspace today I came across some pretty funny pictures and thought I would put then on here.

Opposite way.... for best reading, turn up your speakers to hear song while reading the following. ;)

2008-11-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

I really love this song right now. I kinda feel like its talking about my life sometimes. I know that sounds really emo, but I don't mean for it too. (I'm actually in a pretty good mood. Its been a good day:) I've been told several times this year to "Just be a kid!". But Honestly, I don't think I know how to. What does it mean to be a kid anyways? I guess it means to not worry about adult things, like money and things like that. I don't worry about money, in fact, I think I have a pretty good handle on it...I think. (the way I approach it, not my ability to save it or spend it. ha) Its just money. While its important to use it wisely, its also important to not let it control your life and the way you treat others. If you have it, good. Spend it wisely. If you don't, don't whine and complain and let the lack of it, take over your life. Trust God. I know your probably thinking that its easy for me to say this, I'm only 16 after all. But in truth, I've had to work for all the money I've every had. And these last few months its been my responsibility to take care of both my mom and I. I have to put gas in my car so my mom can go to work everyday, I have to buy all my own clothes, I have to buy food for us to eat. And the list goes on. But Jesus has been faithful in providing the work for me to do these things. I have a wonderful brother who taught me to be generous. And a wonderful Grandpa who taught him. And above all, I have a holy and righteous savior who has paid the ultimate price, for not only me, but for everyone else on the planet.
I can't even begin to imagine the pain and heartache he went through. It makes me shudder to even try. I guess the moral of the story is, our hearts are all we get to take with us when we leave this earth, so lets try to make them the best we can. Lets not let them be taken over by money, or bitterness or hurt. But instead, give them over to Jesus. After all, it should be a lot easier then what he did for us.

ahahaha

2008-11-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

The Weekend. By Anna May, And Beckah Delery. ;)

2008-10-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend house sitting with Anna (and mom ;). Here is the documentary of the weekend. :D

Planet Earth at night. But somehow I was always the first to fall asleep leaving Anna alone with the sharks and giant sea salamanders. ;)

Saturday morning. Mom helped me make breakfast. :) I burned everything except the pancakes. (and they were AMAZING ;)

After a "run" and a long time in the hot tub we made lunch. I burned the noodles to. (who knew that noodles could burn in water?)

Anna's amazing cookies! They quickly dwindled away.

And I kept everyone warm.....for the most part. ;)

Fool's Gold. Great movie. :) Even though I'm pretty sure I was bringing wood in for most of the movie and Anna was on the computer....;)

Sunday, Wives and Daughters with the May fam. :) (thats when all the cookies dwindled away....haha)

Me and Anna. :) We have great times together. ;)

And that was the weekend. For the most part. I didn't take as many pictures as Anna did. :(

sigh

2008-10-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

I miss my brother. :(

But I'm really proud of him. :) And happy for him.

I hope I can be as awesome as he is someday.

I love this book.

2008-10-02T14:13:00.001-07:00

This is seriously one of the best kids books ever.

My two favorite cats

2008-09-26T12:12:00.001-07:00

These are two of the coolest cats ever. They just warmed up to me all by them selves. The big one is the only cat I've ever seen have a smile. And the little one just decided to like me one day. haha. These two are always together, and every time they see me, they come running. I'm convinced that the more cats you have, the more personality they get. ha. :D

My guitar :)

2008-09-26T12:02:00.001-07:00

I love my guitar. :)

Thought for the day

2008-09-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

This is my bible. I love the way it looks, I love the way it feels, I love the way it sounds when I turn the pages, and a few other ridiculous things. ;) But more importantly, I LOVE what's inside. It's odd though, even though I love reading it, I can't seem to make myself sit down and actually do it. Paster Russ once said that if anyone of us ever told him that we "didn't have time" to read our bibles that he would come kick us in the shins. haha! he was kidding of course, but the passion behind the statement was powerful. There is no excuse for why we as Gods children don't spend more time with him. As he continued he also said, "Every relationship is sustained by communication. This applies to all relationships. If you don't talk to a friend for a long time you grow distant, So what makes our relationship with God so different? "

He's always there to listen and he'll never turn you away; so why is it so hard to keep up our end? I think one of the main reasons is laziness. That, and a serious lack of understanding and comprehension of the grace and love that Jesus gave us when he died on the cross. So what can we do when we feel lazy? How can we maintain our end of the relationship? Tell me what you think! :D

2008-07-05T01:06:00.000-07:00

This song is amazing. If you don't want to listen to the whole thing, then at least listen to the prayer starting at 4:10 near the end.

crazyness

2008-06-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

Life has been crazy the last couple of weeks. I've slept in my own bed 5 times in the last 2 1/2 weeks. At first I was staying with my sister in-laws mom for a little over a week to help her take care of her 94 year old dad who has cancer. That's a long story all in it self, one that I don't think I'll go into on the Internet. ;) Then when I was on my way home to sleep in my own bed for a night or two, I got a call from my brother telling me that the youth leader at church had called and offered to pay for me to go the the youth camp out for the week. So, I did. But while I was there something happened that kinda got me thinking. One of the girls in my small group got a call from her family one night saying that the cancer her brother has been fighting came back. As odd as it sounds, I think I took it harder then anyone else did (besides her of course). I didn't brake down and start crying or anything, but I could have. I couldn't help but think about my brothers when they were talking about hers. I know that probably sounds really selfish, and maybe it was, but while it broke my heart for her and her family, it also broke my heart to even think about something like that happening to my family. I sat there thinking to myself, what would I do if something happened to one of my brothers, how would I handle it? Little did I know that a day later my mom would call me and tell me that my oldest brother had been in a motorcycle accident on his way to work. When I talked to my mom she said that she couldn't get a hold of Ben (who was with me at the camp) and that I needed to find him and tell him what happened. I found Ben and told him what had happened and by 8:00 later that night, we were on our way home. The next day after visiting Simon, mom and I were off to Prinevill to take care of the boys so Mindy could be at the hospital with Simon. So that's where I've been for the last few days. And this is probably where I'll be staying for a while....But, I wouldn't have it any other way. :) Life is good.

tired....

2008-06-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Nothing seems to make sense when your tired. I can't spell, I can't type, I can't even talk straight! The days seem to just roll into each other. And before you know it, yesterday seems like a year ago. I'm starting to understand why people who go with out sleep seem like their crazy. ha!......zzzZZzzzzZzzzZzzaaa...oops.

today

2008-03-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

Today one of my best friends got married. I've been thinking lately how awesome it is that we became such good friends. I won't get into the reasons why this is so funny, but I will say our families are somewhat divided. And you would think that we would be too, but like I said in my last blog, we always find some way to joke about it. The last week was kinda sucky because I didn't really get to talk to her at all, but I feel kind of selfish saying that seeing as how the week before a person gets married is really busy and stressful I suppose (having no experience myself ;). But I did get to talk to her a little at the wedding (which I didn't think i would get to). So here I am, listening to blink 182 (which always make me think of her, haha) writing this blog even though I should be packing. I will say though before I go, that its really hard to have someone who you've had so many good times with and who has been (and still is!) one of your best friends, move away. *tear* Come to think of it, I have more memories with her then any other friend I have. But, we'll have more in the future. :) I just have to be patient. I hate waiting. haha.

stories about me

Dear diary;)

This is why you're hot. part two. Victims: The Chabot-Belands

The things you don't want to hear

This is why you're hot...

Snow

Just so we're all clear...

.....

I've become quiet...

I don't even know where to begin...

I'm getting better at this whole listening thing....I think

Yep. Good day.

today

growing up

Loudness. Vodka. More loudness. And then more Vodka.

on to happier things

I really shouldn't blog this late...

my big bro

waaaay back in the day

I miss this

the grammar in this post is disgusting

I suck at titles

why do I always blog at night?

alka seltzer is a beautiful thing

a great inspirational title that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

hmm

time changes everything

favorite song right now

I think I like getting up before the sun comes up...sometimes

a blog I wrote a long time ago but never posted...

adventure....ish

=)

Aliens!!!

Spring cleaning!....not really...no but seriously, kinda.

My day :)

Airport.....ness ;)

Driving :D

Ice cream!

Flying with Ben :D

blahhh

Studying

Tagged by thoughts and daydreams :)

Funny Pictures

Opposite way.... for best reading, turn up your speakers to hear song while reading the following. ;)

ahahaha

The Weekend. By Anna May, And Beckah Delery. ;)

*sigh*

I love this book.

My two favorite cats

My guitar :)

Thought for the day

crazyness

tired....

today

sigh